No, that's not pretty

I've decided to chop off my previously long hair after toying with the idea for sometime.

I love observing the response I got. Noticed that while most people smiled and commented on the sudden shorten hair, a guy came up to me and asked "Why did you cut off your hair?" as if he were offended I cut my hair.

I love my long hair. I do. It's soft and fun to play with. It makes me feel girly. It gives me confidence.

But over the years, I felt that I let my hair define me. No, I should say I let my hair define my sense of beauty too much. I don't have to courage to cut off my hair before this because I don't want to look 'unattractive'. I don't want to feel the regret of cutting my hair short. I felt that my facial features weren't attractive enough to wear short hair.

But the moment I look in the mirror after getting the hair cut, I couldn't believe what I saw.

I saw a girl who is loved. I saw a radiant girl whose eyes shines out because her long locks wasn't taking away the attention. I saw a child of God, His princess to be exact. You would think it's crazy to see all that. But I can honestly tell you, I did. I saw that because for a split second, I understand that the hands that created the stars and sun created me, crafted my face, designed my body and at that moment I know I am not ugly nor will I ever be.

Isn't it funny how 'beauty' is defined by others?

Today a guy hinted to me that short hair wasn't attractive. But boy, was he wrong.

My shepherd used to say "Insecure people create insecure relationships."
She has seen the world more so when we talked about the topic on insecurities, it made me realize I had issues on insecurities too.

I always thought the main reason I wanted to cut my hair is because I wanted a change of style.

But behind my head, I know there's something more. If you know me, you'd know that I have struggled with issues of low self-esteem as a young teen, and behind my mind, the ideal beauty is a girl with porcelain skin and long hair. It never really left me. Perhaps this is a step of breakthrough on physical appearance.

I guess in the future I will have regrets whenever I see girls with longer nicer hair.

But whenever I do, I will come back to this post and read this, simply because I don't believe beauty needs to fulfill a list of requirements.

NOTE: I'm not saying every girl should have their hair cut short and if they don't, they are vain and obsess with their looks. NO. This is my personal struggle. This is just my story.

The sad thing

The sad thing is, sometimes it's not how much joy you feel but it's how much pain you feel, that makes you realize how much you like someone.

I know that a healthy relationship with anyone, be it friend, family or significant other should not have any negative feelings. Perhaps this is the consequence to pay for awakening things before its' right time, if it is, I am suffering.

I would love to point fingers right now. I would love to trace back to how the plot twists to become what it has become right now. But again, I am reminded that what has happened has happened. So what if I could put the blame on others? Does that mean I am not to be blamed as well? If I can be as bold to blame others, I must be bold to blame myself too. I truly do not understand why things happen the way they did. Why we cross paths with certain people in our lives..

Perhaps I'm starting to understand you more and perhaps I'm sadden at what I've learnt. What happened to all the cautions and precautions? But who am I to say I'm disappointed in you? I'm sure I have given you my fair share of disappointments. You have your questions too, I trust.

I re-read Blue Like Jazz by Don Miller yesterday, and there's this line that says "There are things you cannot understand  and you must learn to live with this. Not only must you learn to live with this, you must learn to enjoy this."

It's not easy learning to enjoy things that doesn't please what you see daily. But I want to learn. I want to learn so badly. Because if I can learn to master this with God's help, I can master almost anything else in life.

The sad thing is I've replaced God in my heart with things that are tangible in my life. But the wonderful thing is, it's God we're talking about... the everlasting God. The God that is good. Despite my surroundings, my situations, my feelings, my thoughts, my desires, He is still the graceful God who overlooked my shortcomings and chose to love me with His life.

"Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me"

Comfort Zone

Do you know that 'good' Christians have comfort zone for sinning?
It's okay for us to tell small white lies, be jealous, be envious, be angry, be lazy, be too engross with something apart from Christ.. but when it comes to things we don't usually 'sin' everyday, it's stepping out of the comfort zone of sin, and it's unacceptable.

Today, I cross my sinning comfort zone.
How did I know?

Because I look back at what I did, and an immense feeling of guilt overcomes me.
And voices rage within me. Voices of justification. Defending and shouting for my innocence.
The more it defends, the more I feel better at myself, but the more heavy my heart feels from trying to feel better.

Because when I look back at what I did, I felt that what I did isn't me.
Looks of disgust and disbelieve from love ones act like waves of electric that shocked me back to reality.
I would never do that. How could a good Christian like me do something like that? What have I done?

I should have known. The devil knows my weaknesses. He'll use that against me and the sad thing is, I willingly let him win.

The first thing I see when I got online was this:

If there's anything I learn today is that I learn to appreciate grace even more. Yes, sure, when I was in my comfort zone of sin, grace meant something, just not everything.
I sing about it. I read about it. I think it's the most beautiful thing ever created by God.
But I don't appreciate it in it's truest value. I don't constantly think everything I am worth now is because of grace. The immensity of it.

It's because I fell differently today from the usual days that I realize how unworthy I am and appreciate how worthy is the One who died for me.

Today, I find that I don't even have the self-worth left in me to defend myself to anyone in real life after what happened.
Today, I learn that this is how I should be reminded every time I become too big or full of myself.
Today I learn a lot. Today I am humbled by leaps and bounds.

When Jesus says "Blessed are the poor in Spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven."
I never really understood it's meaning. Reading the explanation in my study Bible, I found out that the 'poor in Spirit' meant those who do not think highly of themselves, spiritually, thus they hunger for more and more of God.
The dangers of being a 'normal' Christian too long is that you start to be 'rich' in Spirit. There's so much shame to admit this, but it's true: you start take pride in all the 'good' things you have done because of what you are taught in Church and your leaders. You think you deserve some sort of secret recognition (between you and God) for the times you didn't swear, didn't cheat, didn't lie and the list goes on.
If you haven't felt any of those, I applaud you. I sincerely do, because I have not been like you. Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus.

I want to strip off this sick mindset of being 'rich' in the Spirit. I am not nor will I never be. If I am ever rich, it is only through Christ that I am.

Lastly, today I learn that I shall never be disgusted at what other people has wronged. A saying that goes "Don't judge others just because they sinned differently then you" came to me as I reflect on my day.

This simply brings out a whole new meaning of not judging others. Even when I hear of crimes that sicken me, stories that sadden me, I want to learn not pass judgment. After all, the smallest lie in my comfort zone is still an unsightly black spot in His blameless eyes.

The only one worthy to judge is the One seated on the throne of glory above.

Not me.

Future

"Everyone of us have our own expectations on ourselves. We're hardest on ourselves."

I cried so many times today. No matter how hard I try, it won't stay dry.

First time was the breakdown.
I tried my best, you know. I did. All these while, I put on a smile, an OK for everyone. Even when I knew I couldn't go on anymore, I forced myself to go on.
In the end? It caused me to breakdown, crying and saying I can't do it anymore.
It's just. so. hard.

I don't know how other people does it. Those people who wake up everyday to do the things they dislike but end up doing them perfectly.

Second time was the encouragement,
When a visitor come to encourage me. Although she just used normal words, it pierced through me. It made me cry, again.
She said something that touched me so much. She said she wanted me to know she loves me. Ah, tears.
No, I don't crave for her love. I just felt so touch that despite all the uneasiness and tension on the surface that I am facing, there is still love. Warm fuzzy lovely love.
And I know that she's not just saying it. She meant it. Her presence being in front of me proved that.
I can see the tiredness in her eyes, the worry in her heart, yet she chose to take time out to talk to me.

Last time is now.
I kept thinking, Lord, why are You so good? I feel so suffocated, so many things on my plate.
You know my struggles, why do they always seem to come all at once? Is it because I am weak that I fall so easily?
Despite all that questions, You took time to talk to me through others. You manage to remind me that I am weak, that's why I need You.

I've been so frustrated recently. Frustrated with myself mentally, physically and emotionally.
But I know I'm most frustrated spiritually. My Lord doesn't seem to be responding to me and in return I don't bother to look for Him.
It's just a touch-and-go daily with Him.

Never do that. When you deprive yourself from your Maker, you're only going to make yourself suffer in a long run. It's never going to satisfy you.

I've learnt now, Father, You are so perfect. Your timing is impeccable. You know how I'll end up, where I'll go. How I'll look like, sound like, be perceive as..
I still don't know my future, but You've seen it. You'll still love, care, cherish and never forsake future me.

I shall feel safe knowing this.

Past

Dear boy of the past,

Hello! I'm glad you still remember me.

I always thought I have gotten over you... today, I still believe I don't harbor the same feelings for you anymore... BUT it never fail to surprise me how I still feel unreasonably upset I'm not close to you now whenever I see your photos.

We were never an item... in fact, we had the most inconvenient time of liking each other.

You liked my best friend of that time (me and her are still friends now, but not best anymore not because of him, it's because I moved to a new place and we seldom kept in touch anymore.), I was one of the few who found out first. I knew. I kept quiet.
It hurts really bad at times, but the naive me always found a way to brush it away.

You must have found out about me because the young me texted you almost everyday. You knew. You kept quiet.

You kept liking her. I kept liking you. We both knew. We both just kept quiet about it.

It was unspoken.

Looking back, I felt stupid. I couldn't believe how obvious I was about liking you.
But I appreciate the fact that you never once avoided me even after you knew.
I truly appreciate that you kept me as a close friend.

Later, just before we headed off to our respective universities, also known as the ending part of our friendship, I felt something. I felt that you might have liked me too.
You were more responsive. You were looking out for me. You would find me too.

But at that time, I have given up on you. Or my feelings for you have faded.
Because it has been 2 years.
2 torturous years of watching you subtlety like my then best friend. 2 years of telling myself I'm never gonna be like her, to just give up. 2 years of learning to love you like a brother, more then a crush.

And those 2 years helped me get over you. I see you more of a brother.

But some days, I still wonder what it would have been if I said something. Or if you did.

You know, after penning down all these. I finally understood why I still couldn't let you go even though I have no more feelings towards you.

One very simple reason: It's because we came so close.
You were someone in my life who showed me how close I could get before it slip away from me. It was all different timing.

I guess what I can conclude from this is, life has a certain way of showing us how much we've come so close to having something before it grabs it all away. Timing.

Perhaps this is God's way of preserving me for the right person He has in mind for me in the future. In that case, I thank Him.

I've always gotten bitter whenever I see your photos. But now, I want to stop.
You deserve who you are with now. You deserve this new phase in life. You don't deserve a sad friend who mopes every time she sees your happy photos.

I want to be truly happy for you from now on. No more bitterness.

I'm sorry for acting like a child.

I guess this is all I want to tell you. It feels better writing it all out, getting my thoughts in place.
I have a new attitude for you, for us.
My problem is I love holding on to memories. But today I learn that it doesn't matter how good memory of the past is, time will come where I have to stop holding on to the past. The time is now.

I just pray you that hold on to God. That you still honor Him and remember Him, always.

That's all for now.

From the girl of your past,
Tam

Rain Down

[Rain down on me, here in Your presence I am free.]

She can't remember the last time she felt this carefree.
This was what she had been wishing for... for some time.
Maybe she just need some time away from the drama. Maybe she just needed space to breathe.

And honestly, it felt so good. It's like a blast of fresh air after being stuck in a tiny box for hours.

When she threw her head back to laughed, she realized that she hadn't felt this real in ages.
There was nothing nagging her at the back of her mind.
There was no one to stand on guard for.
There was no one to care.

Deep down, she also knows that this won't last forever. She will have to go back to face the music.

But at least she knows she can come back to this place and to this group of people where she doesn't have to put on a mask.

But what surprises her is that she doesn't really mind going back to the life she belonged.
Because she knows this is life.

You can't get everything you want in life.
There will be times where it will be hurtful and confusing.
There will be times where you feel helpless and trapped.
There will be times where you have to smile and laugh even though that's the last expression you want to show.

But if you want the sweetness, you have to taste the bitterness. If you want the joy, you have to feel the pain. Perhaps it's because of the two extreme opposites that makes us appreciate the better one.

But ultimately, she knows... she knows this phase she's going through is to built up her character.
She knows her Father loves her way too much to simply place her in this part of life without providing or planning something greater and better when she walks out of it.

She's starting to see the clearer picture now, even though it's not the full picture, she's slowly starting to see.
She's starting to understand.

It's true what they say: It's not the destination that counts, it's the journey.
Now, she just needs to focus on continuing this journey in a way that will benefit her and the people around her the most.

Sounds so far-fetched , self-sacrificing and difficult huh?
The truth is far from it.

But hey, have you met this girl's Father?

With Him around what's impossible? ;)

The Ferris Wheel

I remember holding tightly to Pa's hands.

I remember the smell warm night air traced with cotton candy scent.

I remember the bright lights shining from every ride, as if trying to entice young kids.

I remember families big and small, running around, holding hands, amusing themselves with the fun fair. 

Everyone was so happy.

For a young child like me, it was like heaven; except it was at night, except that it was on earth.

I loved every bit of energy going on there.

But most of all, I remember the tallest ride. The biggest ferris wheel.

It's lights were exceptionally brighter. It's many glowing warm bulbs were shining so brilliantly.

It attracted me as how the glow of a candle on a cold rainy night would attract a lost moth.

I found myself standing in awe in front of the giant rotating wheel, my hands still clutching on to Pa's. I forgotten how many times I looked into his eyes and asked for a ride on the magnificent wheel, but I remember it took me many pleadings until Pa finally agreed.

Even after 17 years, I can still strongly recall the struggle in me.

One part of me yearns to go sit on one of those cute little cubical of the ferris wheel. I want to be able to see my house from the top of the wheel. I want to be high up there, feeling the night breeze on my face.

But another part of me was absolutely terrified at the thought. As much as I want to go sit on a ride that would be so high up, I would never do it alone. I was so scared that my palms grew cold.

Pa sensed that and he knew it was his duty as my father to bring me through it.

He made me the happiest 5 year old when he told me we could go on the Ferris wheel.

As we got higher and higher on the Ferris wheel, I started to have second thoughts. What if one of the cables snapped and the whole thing comes tumbling down? What if we got all the way up there and the ride malfunctions? Would we be stuck up there forever? But with Pa's big warm hands holding my tiny cold ones, those thoughts doesn't seem to have that much effect on me. I was assured.

I did not dared to look down for too long. But Pa coxed me. He pointed my mum and then-baby brother out in the crowd. I braved myself to take a peep through the gaps of metal bars beneath my feet.

There they were. My beautiful mother and chubby baby brother. They waved at us.

The sky was beautiful from up there. I was sure God painted the night sky with Chinese ink and sprinkled it with gold dusts we call stars. I saw all the lights from every houses in my taman. My heart was beating so hard and so fast.

I remember the face of pa that night. He kept smiling whenever he saw the insecurity in my eyes as our tiny cubical shook. I remember his dimples whenever he smiles. I never let got of his hands. It was just the two of us, high up on a Ferris wheel, looking down on the world.

I was grateful for that. I'm sure he was grateful for the chance to bring his eldest daughter through such an intimate experience as well.

Having experiences like this taught me how important holding on to certain things are in different seasons of our lives. But there are certain things for certain times.

For the 5 year old me, it was my father's steady hands that radiates comfort. I know that I couldn't hold on to his hands for all the seasons in my life; like not when I step into secondary school for the first time. But having his hands to guide and comfort me at the right time and place was exactly what I needed for a beautiful childhood memory.

Perhaps I have been holding on to somethings that doesn't belong to me for far too long. I shouldn't have had in the first place. I have been toying with something that doesn't rightfully belong to me. Perhaps it is about time to let go.

There is a time for everything. I am only sorry to myself and my Heavenly Father if I have awaken certain things before it's time. As hard as it is, as much as I don't want to let go, I must. For I know that if I don't do it now, it's only going to cost me even more in the future. Grant me the strength, O Lord.

Goodbye, now.
It's long due.

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die. Where you invest your love, you invest your life

I honestly thought today was my lucky day.

My sleep was so beautiful this morning. So calming and peaceful.
Except for the part where Roxanne went out of the room and locked the door as she went, but knocked ever so lightly on the door again because she forgotten to bring her keys out with her.

So like a half dead zombie, I sat up to unlock the door for the sweet little cousin of mine.

But I didn't really mind, because I know the morning is still early. I still have time to snooze. And the best part was, my alarm never rang. I joyfully took note of that that with morning sleepy brain.

I closed my eyes and went back to wherever I want to. It was like I'm in a field of tall grassy green field. Gusts of wind blowing in circles and me just standing in the mists of it all. Basking in the glory of God's wonderful creation.

I was enjoying my make-believe dream until I noticed how bright the sky is and like how comedy movies would always pause play the rewind track, my brain gave me a mind-attack by realizing my phone's alarm has not yet ring.
It's suppose to annoy me at 7.50am everyday. Unfortunately, the intensity of sunlight penetrating through my eyelids and eventually into my eyeballs tells me it's definitely past 7.50am.

I sat up so fast, I'm sure it would break all 33 of my backbones if I had osteoporosis (which I am currently gratefully thanking God I do not have).

I started out clam. Tossing everything on my bed. When I couldn't find it, I started looking in my study desk. When that didn't produce any result, I finally picked up my glasses.

No visually challenged person picks up their glasses unless they get serious.
No one, not even I-Love-Sleep-Tammie.

I turned my sling bag upside down searching for the phone. It was then I also found out my purse is also missing.

Wow.

Talk about waking up on the wrong side of the bed.

This is heavy news to register, 8am early in the morning.
If I really lost my purse AND phone at yesterday night's mamak, I can pretty much get ready to make my IC, driving licences, Student ID, atm card all over again. Yay.

Oh the excitement.

No. I refuse to be emotionally down so early of the day. My past experience and faith taught me to seek Him first NO MATTER how terrible the situation is.

I told Father I'm deeply troubled. I cannot focus on alone time with Him, but I want to. I asked Him to keep my purse and phone in safe hands. Somehow, when I'm still asking Him that, I know it will be done. It sounds unreal when I put it in words, but a sense of confidence that my Lord will be faithful and a sense of comfort just filled me up to the brim.

Finally I got to contact Hubert (even when my phone is not with me, mind you) and he confirmed the purse and phone is in his car. Praise the Lord.
He said it's even more amazing no one took it, because it was left exposed on the back car-seat. Double praise the Lord.

But if I thought my trial was over, I'm a fool.

Waiting to get the phone and purse back requires a whole other level of patience and calmness.
But the most challenging part I faced was not the lack of patience, but rather, the feeling of lack of security.

I know I'm not the only one who doesn't feel secure not having money and phone with me wherever I go. I feel completely vulnerable. Like a newborn, facing the world alone.

Having enough cash in my purse lets me know I have control, that I can make decisions on my own.
Having a phone in my hand lets me know I can reach out to friends for help whenever I'm in need.

Strip me of these 2 essential things and put me outside my house, in my eyes, I having nothing of worth. No sense of power, no sense of control.

I guess that part was the hardest because it requires me to completely and fully and just 100%-ly trust in God.

I don't know how to contact Hubert. I don't know how to wait for him in a restaurant without any cash with me.

It was a real eye-opener.

It got me thinking.

I've always been in my own safe little comfort zone. A roof over my head, a nice bedroom with cute lights, a loving supportive family, an awesome group of friends... all these things are very good, but do they take up too much of space in my heart? Do I depend too much on them?

Shamefully, my answer is yes. Most of my life, I lean on these things too much.

When if one day, just like Job, all these are taken away from me (which is highly possible, seeing that we live in a world where things are constantly changing), will I drop into the deepest pit of depression and anxiety and be completely destroyed?

... or will I be able to focus my source of love and strength on my heavenly Father (who will never ever change), and be completely unfazed by the changes of my earthly surroundings?
Will I still be obedient to answer His calling?
Will I stay faithful to Him?

For I know all these things will come to an end one day. But what my Father have with me is eternal.
I want to invest in the areas that are eternal.

When the time calls for it, letting go of tangible worldly things are never easy. But just like a verse ma made me memorize when I was very young in Matthew 6:26 assuredly reminds me:

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"

Remember this daily, Tammie.

It will do you good.

A family that serves

It's Kari Jobe singing. She's using her talent, singing praises to our Father that motivated me to type something about what I experienced in prayer meeting just hours ago.

I came in for prayer meeting rather late today. A few people caught my attention today during the meeting.

A particular man with grey hair, with his back facing me, as he stands in a tiny circle praying with his friends, a well-groomed woman with turquoise shawl, stands next to him.

A little girl with long wispy hair laughs as she ran passed my vision. She is the kind of girl I wish my future daughter to be. Bubbly, full of energy, she's beaming with health and she carries with her just the right amount of mischievousness, it gleams from her eyes.

From the corner of my eyes, I caught another girl. This one older. Thinking back now, she gives me a sense of maturity yet innocence. Ironic as it sounds, from my experience, it's mostly girls who have known Christ most of their lives carries this wonderful trait. Although I didn't pay much attention to her compared to the younger girl, I can see myself approving her as a friend.

I never seen any of them around church before. The man and woman must be from mandarin service, the older girl must be one of the new people the youths brought in... and that hyper younger one must be someone's daughter... the Sherlock in me finally deducted and then I paid no more attention to them.

I do this all the time whenever I see new faces. I have the need to fit new people in the current surrounding. Little do I know, these 4 new faces belongs to one family.

When Pastor Moses asked us to pray for 'George and Alison', the little girl ran forward to her parents; who turns out to be the man and the woman, with such pride that for a split second, I could've felt the love of the family.

I wouldn't have known the older girl was also their daughter if I had not turn around to see some sisters laying hands on her as they prayed.

As I turned back, I suddenly remembered how I used to be like the older girl.

There was a period in my life where I would tag along with my parents as they serve.

They usually help out in other churches's Sunday school, or they would be in charge of church camp's children activities.

My dad, who I am still so very proud of, would play the guitar and lead worship. Sometimes, he would even dress up as a clown to entertain the kids.

My mother, who has an in-built heart for kids, would tell stories and encourage the kids to draw. Her profession as a teacher groomed her well for this job.

Looking back now, my parents have a special love for kids. They don't mind sacrificing their time and energy to do all these. But most importantly, as much as my parents love working with kids, I believe my parents have a heart for God even more. They know who they are serving, and they love Him.

All the churches whom my parents served in would always offer to pray for us. They would call us out, and just like what we did for George's family, they would lay their hands on us and pray for us.

The sincerity and love is what moved me now... because I was too young and foolish to appreciate it last time.

And this is what brings me to write this long-winded post.

As I relate myself to the older girl, a rush of emotions overcame me. I missed being prayed after as a family.

But as I think back, I realise that I have undervalued the prayers poured out for me and my family. So when I prayed for George's family just now, I poured my heart out for them. I imagined what I would want elders to pray for me and I used that to pray for the 2 beautiful girls.

God opened my eyes to see how precious it is when a family dedicates themselves to serve Him.

How delighted He is at this.

I too, want this for my family in the future.

I want my Lord to have a reason to look down and smile.

Because He knows there's a family on earth, in Malaysia, or anywhere for that matter, that would be there doing His ministry, in love and in passion. All for His name and glory.

Kari's sandy voice soothes my spirit.

I just want to sing with her..

Humbled

I saw the cake in the pantry when I was scanning images with the photocopy machine.. but I never thought it was for me. I thought it's for our client that's coming for the meeting.

5 minutes after that, Chitra called out "Tammie! Hurry, come to the conference room. Come, come." I jumped out of my seat because of the urgency in her voice, that's when I find the whole office empty. I kept asking 'What's going on?'. I saw the cake on the table, it just got me even more curious. This cannot be for me. What is really going on..?

They must have seen the completely weird expression on my face.

So once inside, lao ban niang offered the explanation. She said in her motherly tone, "We're here to wish you happy birthday, Tammie. We're one week late, but we still want to celebrate for you."

My face must have gone red. Light red at least.

Let me tell you why.

For the 2 months plus in the company, I've experienced 2 of my senior's birthdays. Both of them are great staffs and very much loved by my bosses. As a tiny intern, I have much respect for both of them. Both of their birthday are celebrated in the same way. An office celebration. We used the conference room. When the conference room is used, it means something big.

When my brain finally processed the fact that my boss allowed or even initiated this celebration for me.. me an intern in the company.. I am completely humbled.

Quah, one of my colleague, confirmed the big deal by saying "They usually don't care about interns, so this company is good to you."

I nodded my head vigorously.

Their mission seems at the moment seems to be: Make Tammie embarrassed by saying nice things about her in front of her. hehe.

Chun Wan, the cool 60+ bald biker aka Project Leader said "I can't wait for her to graduate so that she can come work here."

Mike, the cool guy with Hebrew tattoo on his arm aka the senior copywritter, joins in "We're doing all this so we can lure you back next time."

I wanted to shout "OH MY GOSH, PRAISE THE LORD. AM I REALLY THAT GOOD. STOP I DON'T DESERVE THIS. STHAP. IS IT BECAUSE OF MY ATTITUDE COS I KNOW MY SKILLS SUCKS. IF IT IS MY ATTITUDE THANK YOU LORD, MY WORK HERE IS DONE. NOW TAKE ME HOME."

But all jokes aside, yes I am truly touched they took out their time to sing a song and gather in the room for my sake. I am starting to hate the idea of leaving them.

But what I want to say the most is really, all glory goes to God.

During lunch with the colleagues today, Leng asked if I would stay if the boss asked me to. When I said the boss already did.. the whole table went 'Wah.' They then went on to talk about my portfolio. Lim noted that in this line, employers don't even look at cert (thank you very much, Uncle Lim) but KK said "It must be the attitude."

Wow.

It felt like God just poke a hole of 'DO YOU SEE NOW?' in my brain.

It explains so many things. Why I am still not sacked, why my colleagues are all so nice to me, why they want to protect me in some situations..

Honestly this is why I am writing this post.

Jotting everything down that reflects God's work and glory in my life.

I've faced many trials and challenges during this internship.

Just this morning, I broke down. In my heart, I was willing God to take me away, I've had enough.

But now I finally see it. My sovereign God is doing His work in me. I may not be smart enough to see it (I never pay much attention on my own actions).

Thinking back, I recall a few times when I feel troubled by work, this small comforting thought will come, saying "Keep on going, don't give up. It's not done yet."

Attitude. That's the key.

I'm feel so humbled and proud at the same time.

"Barukh atah Adonai Eloheinu, melekh ha'olam..."

Remember. (Read again on 3rd Aug 2022)

Dear 31 year old Tammie:

Hello.
I've been meaning to write to you for a long time, I just never got around to it.
I want this to be a time capsule letter from past me to future me. Tonight marks the final moments of me being 21 years old, in a few more minutes, I will turn 22. How time flies.

Some might think it's silly to write to your future, because the future you will definitely be more experienced and wiser. But the main reason for me to do this is so that I can read this again on my 31st birthday and be reminded of the innocence and young persistence I am holding on to now.
I familiar of how time can dull even the hottest passion and rob away innocent thinking. I don't want that to happen to you. I want you to remember. Remember how you are when you are 21, when the world seem so big and the future so bright. Remember and learn to be a young soul, don't let the world make you hard.

Here are 2 main things I wanna remind you most today.

First, Tammie, never ever settle for second best and never jump into anything before the right time.
I know a time will come when you see friends around you starting a family. And by this age, if you haven't found him yet it will seem like a heavy burden to carry. But know that you are not carrying this burden alone. If you look to your left and right and see that it's empty, remember to look inside and know that you are fully occupied, look up to know that you are truly loved.
If your ministry is still something Father wants you to focus on now, please, don't mess up His timing just so you can feel better about yourself. Remember Matthew 6:33, love.

Now, if you are already attached or married. How is life? Remember how you used to wonder who that future husband is when you're a teenager? How is he like when he talks? How does he look like when he sleep? What about him makes you love him so?
I guess there will be fights and disagreements, but when that happens, go back to the first moments of falling in love.
Remember why you choose him. Remember how Father led you and him to be together.
I'm sure this love story is beautifully written, so don't give up when things seem hard.
Keep on going because you can be sure the one who created both of you is looking out for you guys.
Whenever you feel dry out or find it hard to love again, remember to draw love out of your account of ultimate love bank, from Father.

My prayer for you is that you will be preserved in righteousness at all times.

Secondly and lastly: Let go. Let God.
You, when you are me now (21 years old), experienced this just yesterday. And I believe this is the most powerful thing to help you breakthrough your bondage of holding on to resentments in relationships.
You got hurt yesterday.
You heard Father gently say "Let this negative feeling go. Don't hold on to this. Let me heal you"
But remember what you said?
You said "NO. I WANT TO BE MAD. LET ME BE ANGRY. I WON'T LET GO."

Oh stubborn little girl. How silly of you :'\

Right after saying that, you went on to worship Him, because everyone else was doing it.
When you enter into worship session, ALL of the evil thoughts were gone.
Just like that. Father made you see, even when you didn't want to.
You saw how insignificant that small hurt was. You saw how small the problem is. You saw how childish it was when you want to hold on to feelings that is capable of destroying a big beautiful relationship, just because of a small thing.

How beautiful was that. All your poisonous anger was just absorbed by Father. It was taken away even when you are unwilling to let go. Praise Him!

I guess that is all for now.

Tammie, don't stop doing Father's work. He will always be there for you. You are not your own, you are never alone. Always remember that.

with much love,
21 year old Tammie

His cry

Beloved,
Look at me. Look into my eyes.
Can't you see that I am feeling the same feelings that you are?
Your heart breaks, so does mine. You cry, so do I.

But I will go one step further.
I will hold your heart in my hands, I will reach out to wipe your tears.


I will go one step further, because I can, because I care, because I am your Father.

I will hold you as long as it takes for you to heal. It's okay, cry. Let them all out. Tell me how much it hurts.
If you can't talk any more, just be still, know that I hear your heart.

This is how life twists and turn.
I never intend these things to happen to you, my love. But they do, because of the dark stain of human race.

Just remember, I have redeemed you. I have heard your cries, I will never turn my face on you.
Come to me as bare as you are, as raw as you are.

要记住，我非常爱你。

Opposite attracts

I got my heart crush was when a guy told me he did not like me the way I liked him.
The 14 year old me pretty much sank into depression.
I dreaded hearing his name, even though the sight of him still has the power to melt me into a puddle.
I resented him, deleted him off my msn list. Cut all contact with him, but every time I pass by him in school or anything relate to him, I slow down.
Yes sure the heart hurts, but the heart still yearns for it. Isn't it weird how we are all wired?

Thank God He was there to bring me out of it.
Although I didn't know it back then, I know something healed me. I grew better. I grew healthier.
Until one day, I realise I could go on with life without pausing at anything that reminds me of him.

This leads me to be overjoyed when I finally learn how much a creator love me.
I have been taught that Jesus loves me ever since I was 6 years old and attended Sunday school. But it NEVER occur to me His love is so pure. He doesn't hurt me like how some boys would. He wants a relationship with me unlike the relationship of this world. I never knew how practical this love is.

No guys in the world matter anymore.


I'm glad He revealed His love for me. I'm thankful, with all my heart, that I've gotten His revelation.
But time has an evil way of dulling things. I want to be excited for Your love all over again. I don't want to be distracted. I don't want to be sidetracked.


It's nice when a guy flirts with you. You feel like you're the only girl in the world.
It's nice when a guy gives you all the attention. You feel like you mean something.
It's nice to have these feeling of self-worth, but it's not nice when it's coming from the wrong source.

Boys are wonderful creatures. But they can be a distraction.

Why do we girls fall so easily for these things? I'm sorry, not just any girls.
It's girls who already know You. Girls who are already your daughters.

We still fall for this. It doesn't feel right.
Aren't our identity in You? Shouldn't we already be contented with that?
What are we missing?

Broken bonds

".. mend the broken bonds caused by pride."

What are your pride?

I know a man who is a powerful, rich king. He ruled the lands and the seven seas. Every creature that has breath know him by name.

He also had a relationship with a lady.

This lady, even though she was not well educated, even though she was not the fairest maiden in the land, he loved her. He looked past all her flaws and all her imperfections and kept loving her.

He loved her with a pure heart. He told her she was his beloved.

His generals and all his royal consultants told him he was a fool (although they did not say the exact words, they hinted it) for loving her. They held banquets to show him the other beauties of the land. They wanted a future queen who was fitted for their king.

Now, don't think so harshly of the king's generals, they have the right to look down on the lady. Because even though she was loved by the king, she was never completely faithful to him. She was proud she was the king's love. But she had was also careless, she follow her emotions too often. She cheated on the him one too many times, just to show that she can attract men of all sorts. She broke his heart countless times. Yet every time, he took her back.

One day, she met a man. This man was fine looking, he was a sweet talker. He whispered all the wonderful little things the lady wants to hear. The man starts telling her lies. She believed him. As if the king was not good enough for her, she was lead astray to this stranger's home.

It turns out the stranger despise the king. He has tried countless ways to bring down the king. But none of his plans ever worked out. He could never bring down a king as powerful as this.
Until the day the man learn of the king's lover, how he loved her with pure heart and how she is unfaithful to him.

She was tied up, bounded like a slave girl in the man's house when the king burst through the doors in search of his lost lover.

Of all the heartbreaks his beloved has give him, this was the greatest.

Facing his enemy, the king uttered only one sentence calmly, "How much?"

The man laughs hysterically,

"I can't believe this. Why do you want her? LOOK AT HER!

She's cheap. She cheats on you. She ran from you."

The king just stare at the man, and said again with cold eyes,

"How much?"

He kept laughing, saying

"You don't want her. Trust me, even I don't want her if it wasn't to lure you here."

The king finally roared "HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT?"

The man stopped laughing. He stop smiling. He came to the realisation that the king was no fool, the king meant to give him anything he wants in exchange of the silly girl's life.

The man's lips suddenly curved up and from those evil lips comes out the words

"All your glory, all your tears, all your sweat and all. your. blood."

Imagine, if you had everything in the universe (you probably couldn't), all the money and all the power, would it be easy for you to put down the status that you have?

I guess you probably know what the king chose.

He chose to give up his glory.

He chose to be weak for his enemy so that He can buy his lover back with his blood.

The King chose to put down his pride. Even though He had no reason to do so.

The lady opened her eyes to see the King looking down to her.

"Why? I broke your trust. Your heart. You should've left me to die." she whispered weakly.

"Our relationship was broken, but what am I if I just let it be? I will not be who I claim you are to me, my beloved"

"But why me? Why die for me?"

"To show you how serious I am when I say I love you. My love is so deep, you have no idea.."

It rang in her head.

"..you have no idea.."

Replay

Am I really ready for this?
Maybe this is the wrong choice.
What makes me think I can handle leading people if I can't even accomplish small simple tasks given?
Maybe I should just give this title to someone more capable to do things.
I don't think I am ready for this.

To be honest, these were the things on my mind this evening.

I can't shake them off. I know I'm not suppose to entertain these thoughts. But when I stumble, I naturally take in the blame. As strange as this sound, I want to feel guilt.
Because that's what I think I deserve.

I start wondering if I should give up. I wonder if my leaders have misjudged my capabilities. I am not the right person for this.
Just as I was entertaining these thoughts of me not being the right one, He suddenly played out one private memory between me and Him for my mind's eyes to see.

It was a familiar memory. The one where I was in Selena's car, on the way from Broga Alpha Weekend Away back to PJ.
I was challenged by my future leader at that time to seriously consider committing myself to the church.

At that time, I was church hopping, I don't see why should stay in one church permanently. I don't understand the big deal at that time. My reasoning was, I am going to church weekly, so why bother if I stay in just one church? I might even benefit from both churches.

Back in Selena's car, there was a battle inside me. I don't dare to commit myself to this church yet because I am currently in my comfort zone. I know that if I agree to be tied down to this church, I have responsibilities to this church. I guess you can say it's like marriage. I know that once I commit myself to the church, I will need to step up to serve. I don't like the idea because I am afraid of standing out and doing things I have never done before.

As the struggle went on, He reminded me of this verse:
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10

That was enough to make me make the right decision. It has become my favourite verse since.

Around 1 year after that, which is today, as I was in Kar Lock's car, this whole memory came back. I was again reminded of this verse. The things that I wanted to avoid have indeed came true. But I know there's nothing to fear now. His gentle reminder provides me enough comfort and affirmation to let me know that I am the right person for this.

For those whom I have hurt today. I am truly sorry. My actions were not meant to come off to hurt you. I hope that after you read this, you understand my side of the story, although it is not an excuse for me to act the way I did. No matter what, I am sorry. Thank you for putting up with me, all the same.

Yeah sure, I have weaknesses. I didn't not plan my time well. I have so much flaws, but I have Him. He's not giving up on me... as I have learnt today..

And that is enough to make me whole.

Letter to Father

Dear Father,

When I was around 14 or 15, it was the first time I got hurt emotionally.

I simply assume it was because I lack physical attractiveness.

I guess it Your heart broke too; You were sad I could think so negatively of myself.

Even though I've grown out of it now, the scar is still there and it still hurts when it is being rubbed. I cannot think that I am gorgeous. I do not look for compliments or anything, this is just me, what I feel and I am being raw with You.

Through out the years, I've learn to appreciate my own appearance. But things change, while I may have slowly recovered from this physical depression. This scar of mine continue to dig out a series of depressions for me to feel.

I love to tell You that I've dealt with my problems in a proper manner. But I did not.

As a form of method to comfort myself, I find solace in my position in the life of people around me.

I set my value as being this person's good friend, being this person's best friend, being this person's favourite. I threw my measurement of self worth in other people's hands. I can tell you this is never a wise decision, because once people declare you are not valued by them, you come crashing down.

But that was how it is when I have lost my identity and I don't know where to look for it.

A few weeks ago, I received a prayer. I was reluctant because I felt that, at the moment there is no problems in my life. I took prophetic prayer too lightly. The problem with me is that I think prophetic is only 'accurate' when it describe my current life situation, not true. It is also about my future.

It struck me now that it is exactly what I need, her prayer. She told me 'contentment'.

Be contented with who I am. What I have.

The only identity I need to know, is that I am YOUR beloved daughter. The only ruler I need in this universe is Your love.

I am sorry for not seeing that before. For saying I am not as good while You have already made me as You see fit. Sorry for hurting you, sorry for not going to You when I am suppose to.

I'm learning, Father. Day by day, to simply be happy to have You loving me.

Your beloved daughter,

Tam

Conversations with brother

I used to think that my brother is snobbish and ignorant. We used to be close, aeons back, when he was still a chubby thing. Then things shifted.

Adolescence shaped us into moody teenagers; where we would fight over internet time (we didn't had the luxury of wireless back then) and largely turned anti-social human beings; locking ourselves in our bedrooms, listening to indie music (for him) and pop punk (for me), while trying to avoid as much housework and nagging as possible.

Fortunately, because of the 4 year gap between me and him, I grew out of the emotional, my-life-is-so-tough-I-hate-everyone-in-this-family-my-crush-doesn't-even-know-I-exist-puberty-sucks-I-don't-understand-my-body-anymore teenager stage faster then him.

But during my last trip back home, I had a conversation with the brother.

This is something big, considering he is still a creature who prefers not to come out of his room, except to go online, eat, bathe and watch tv.

Darling brother and I had to go to the town to run some errands. He hates it.

The sun was scorching hot. It's those kind of dry penetrative heat; you can still feel the sun's flare on your clothed skin.

By the time we were paying bills for mom and getting groceries for myself, I was covered in cool sweat and ready to slump in the car.

Thank God my brother is driving and the mountain air was sweet and fresh.

Brother started conjuring a conversation. I guess it's odd because he doesn't just talk to me at home. But I was only happy he's talking instead of sulking. It was a half and hour car ride back home, so I guess talking is good.

He asked me if I've read the comic he bought, Sandman. He caught me reading his comics before. I saw he bought new ones the other day but he was like a tigress who just gave birth; he wouldn't like me touch them.  I took it from him and read them, after he was done being so protective over them. I told him I did. I liked it. I asked him what he thought of the Avengers, since he's not a big Marvel fan. He's a DC fan. I know my brother is a guy who has strong opinions and stick with them. So my next question got the ball rolling. It's been in my head for quite sometime, I asked him why he chose DC over Marvel. Sounds shallow, huh? But I know my bro reads up his picks before rooting for them. So he must have a solid reason for supporting what he choose.

I did not expect his answer. He just said it was because of the villains.

He said there's enough superhero stories out there that sells villains short. They make villains so shallow, as in, the only reason why the bad guys in the story are bad guys is for money and world domination. That's the main reason scrpit writers and story writers always sell.

He says that real, solid characters for the villains are people who are bad just because they are bad, and no other reason.

I was as lost as you when he told me that. Huh, but that's stupid, I said.

He said yeah, in his annoying tone, but I kept patience. Because I know he hasn't revealed all.

One thing I can credit my brother is that he has a curious mind. He Googles everything. The hours he spent reading up things baffles me. Every time I glance over to see what he's up to on the laptop, half a time it's a Wikipedia page.

He knows many things. He just keeps them all to himself.

He has grown, more of mentally then physically, he's just not as tall as I hope he would be.

It made me realise how much I've missed out on him growing up.

So anyway, brother quoted something that made me pause and think.

He quoted Alfred Pennyworth, Batman's butler, one of the characters in Batman comics created by Bill Finger. Brother quoted: 

Real bad guys just want to watch you burn. Real villains taunts the good guys to kill, even to the extent of killing the villains themselves. To prove that the good guys aren't so good themselves.

When he said that, bam! I suddenly understood.

There's only one real bad guy out there. One which I know of. The devil himself. He suits this description perfectly. He goes around like a prowling lion, looking for potential victims. Because he knows he's already doom to eternity, so while he's at it, he will drag as much souls with him.

We always thought our enemies are mare human beings. Or parties or groups of people. People who blackmail us, people who are mean to us, cold to us, people who wants to bring us down.

But guess what? The real villain is just hiding behind he scene. He's just using humans to make you forget he's there. 

I'm glad I had the conversation with brother. Though I didn't point out my realisation to him, he taught me a great deal about who our real enemies are. But there's nothing to fear, because if you know that the devil is real..

..rest assured that God's even more real.

Faith goes Kaput

What are the possibilities of a laptop working after being left in a bag with a leaking water bottle for over half an hour?

Let me tell you, it'll be dead. Kaput.
It will need to be sent back to the headquarters of the laptop company to be fixed.
This will mean you are not able to access the internet, unable to use your computer as a source of daily entertainment and worst of all, it will mean money must be spent on the fixing.

Any university and collage student will tell you that laptop is their life. It helps them connect to the big word out there, without leaving their seats, or house, for that matter. The main thing is, a student cannot afford losing the laptop.
And I almost did that today.

I did the unthinkable by putting my water bottle (which has a history of leaking) in the same bag as my laptop.
The intensity of how much my laptop is wet can be seen by the papers I put in the bag too. 1/3 of the papers are soaked. I can see through the papers. It's lifeless and delicate; able to be torn in half with just a stroke of wind.

No prizes for guessing if my laptop can still be switched on or not after that.

My heart sank to my foot when the laptop screen would not turn on, even though the ON button lights up. There's still no sign on life.
The lights would turn off after 20 seconds. I kept trying a few times, and the results are the same.

I'm beginning to think of the worst. I thought of going on weeks without a laptop, that idea caused depressing thoughts.
I begin to pray. Praying hard. Making promises to God. I kept building up my faith that He'll make this work. I kept pushing my faith. I kept believing harder and harder that this will work, God will answer my prayers.

But after half an hour, I stop focusing so hard on the laptop. I left my laptop ventilated by the bedside fan, and left to bathe.

I can't help but have that tinge of bitterness and disappointment in me the whole time. I had faith. So why didn't it work? Why wasn't my laptop cured? Didn't God say that if we ask, it will be given to us, according to His will? I was doing exactly that just now. What more should I do?!
I had faith! My faith was strong! I believed so much, it hurts. Because deep down I know it's pretty impossible to fix this mess I have myself in, yet I still foolishly believed God can cure it for me.
A voice inside me logically reasoned that I should seek professional help instead of having faith. Oh, that sounds good, but the thing is, I don't know how or where to seek professional help. My only source of professional help is in Kuantan- le uncle. It all seems like a foolish game I'm playing with God.

Now I'm back in my room. I stared at my otherwise normal looking laptop, sitting lifelessly on my bed. How much I wish it's not dead. How I wish I'm able to turn it on and go online this moment. But I know that's not going to happen just yet.

So I sulked. Turned on the TV, flipped through The Little Prince. Carelessly shifting my attention between the Korean drama going on TV2 and the tiny book in my hands. I glanced longingly at my red laptop.

As much as I am frustrated that 'having faith' did not work the first time, I know I shouldn't let it go just like that.
I closed my eyes and really prayed this time. No urgency. No quick prayer to make it happen. I just wanna talk to God.

It's funny what that does to you; when you just take a break form all the worries, and just draw near to God. Words come to my mind as I prayed. Words that I believe was from the Spirit, and not me, because He reminded me of what real faith is.
I've caught myself doing this before, and it happened again just now.
I was too desperate to 'have faith'.
To have real faith, is not an action to preform for God to see. I cannot believe 'really hard' and hope God sees it to grant what I prayed for. Hadn't He clearly say that it is by faith and not by works that we are all saved?
To have real faith, is knowing that God can do anything. And by anything, I mean ANYTHING. It's not because that I do not have enough faith that God doesn't answer my prayers. It's because I've been foucsing on myself, my own ability to have how much faith.. see my problem? It's pointing back to me again, not God's ability.
I have been using my faith as a benchmark, a 'work' for God to see. I thought if I focus really hard, and invested all my strength on my faith that God will revive my laptop, it will work.

But it doesn't work that way. I should never turn my faith into 'works'. If you understand me, let me continue.
Faith is not something we can force ourself into. Faith is not something you should feel uncomfortable having 'too much' or 'too little'.
If you feel that you're having too much faith on something that seems impossible to happen, that's not faith in God. That, my friends, is having faith in yourself.

It's a tricky thing. I'm not sure if you follow. But if you do, bravo. Don't fall for it ever.

So I made a prayer and laid hands on the red laptop. I said,
'I know You can do anything. Because You have already defeated death, sin and bondage. I know You have the power to revived this hopeless electronic device. I know You can do it. So if this is according to Your will, please, let my laptop be able to function again. I do not want to let it be sent to the office for repairs because I know You can do it for me. Amen.'

With that, I pressed the ON button. Blue lights comes on. But screen still stays black.
This time, there's a good feeling, because I know I'm focusing on the right thing, Jesus, not on how strong my faith is..
The blue lights suddenly turn off. My eyes were still glued to it. And suddenly the blue lights flicked on and off on and off for a good 4-5 times. The screen flicks to life and shows the name of my laptop brand.

I literately let out a sigh of relieve. But it's not really the end of the story. The screen stays black, it shows, 'Operating System cannot be detected'
Good thing I took IM last semester, I know Operating System is a short form for OS which means Windows 7 for my case. It also means the laptop is working but couldn't detect Windows 7.

This isn't good news, but at least there's responds form the screen instead of just the ON button.

I called Rox, but she wasn't home so I couldn't talk to her dad about this. It's a timely thing too, because I restart the laptop. While doing all that, I kept my source of faith and focus on Jesus. I know He has the power.
The second time the screen flickers on, everything was normal again. The windows sign pops up. Nothing was lagging. That's when I know how much I've misunderstood faith and how much I am loved.

Don't focus on how much energy and strength your believing can make it happen, do focus on how much He can really make it happen- that is effortless.
Now I understand why God says 'Even if you have faith as small as a mustard seed...'

because that's all it takes for it to happen.

Not huge gigantic coconut fruit/seed.

His feelings.

He knows I haven't spent much time with Him lately. He knows I haven't been trusting Him as much lately.
He knows..

... and it makes me unhappy because, deep down, I know it too. But you know how we always find ways comfort ourselves?
I wouldn't have thought it was anything terribly bad or wrong..
I told myself, I'm just drifting.. it's just a phase.. I'll get back on track.. no worries.. I've been there before.. I can live through this.. I don't mind..

It's funny how I never consider His feelings. It never struck me, until today, how much He minded. My King doesn't like the lesser and lesser time I made for Him. My Father doesn't like that I don't trust Him as much.
Selfish little brat.

When the words 'how can I keep from singing Your praise?' flashes across my eyes today, instinctively, I felt the need to cry.
Although at that moment, I do not know why.
I only know that deep down, I have been avoiding Him.
But why does those words, which have nothing to do with running away from Him, touch me?

It hit me. Because I have not been praising Him with a sincere heart lately.
I've been complaining, moody, unhappy, throwing tantrums at Him.

Then another line appears 'I know I'm loved by the King, and it makes my heart wants to sing'
That.
That, really broke me.
Why? Because I finally get what He's trying to tell me.
He's reminding me, He loves me. He's the King of the universe, for all the magnificent things He created, He choose to love me.
Even when I don't love Him back. Even when I throw accusations at Him, even when I am discontented with the life He puts me in, even through all that, He still loves me.
King of the universe, loves me. And it won't change. It will never change.

That made tears pour out. That made me sob. That broke me down.

I am overwhelmed by His gracious love. I cannot understand, how much love He has in store for me. Or how much He will continue to give.
When I look at myself, all I see is my flaws. All I see is how much I don't add up. How much I lack.

That's why I sobbed. It's the 21 years of gratitude and gratefulness whelmed up in response to His love. It's stupid I know, but it's what I could manage at that time.

I may never truly understand You, I'm ok with that now, I just need to know You have feelings too...

and You feel that You love me.

The Struggle

I'm a curious person.

Ever since young, my favourite question is 'why?'
Maybe because things around me always seem so strange as I was growing up.
As a kid, I never thought I'd understand politics, or how bank accounts work, or understand how my then collage aunt does her assignments.
They all seem so bizarre and weird to me. All I know is, at that time, I don't understand those grown up stuff and I didn't think I ever will.

Now that I am grown up, things that were once strange to me, I seem to understand better.

But life's an ever learning journey, huh?

Now I'm learning to understand God.
I really can't say I know Him. Because I don't.
I don't know why He does the things He do. I don't know why certain things are happening in my life.
I don't know.

For a brief moment just now.. I thought, I'm so tired of this. Tried of guessing why this prayer is not answered, why this prayer is. Seems inconsistent. Why?
Trying to understand my Lord, it is exhausting.
I'd rather be an angel, I thought, take me up to be one. Someone He created solely to serve and attend to Him in Heaven, who knows most of His plans, who knows how Heaven is like, who have seen His face, who doesn't have to suffer from this mystery of not knowing why certain things are happening on earth.
I just want to know why, Papa. Is it so hard? :'(

But right after that thought, a statement and a question came up.
Statement: You are His precious daughter. A title. Because He is the King of the Universe, you are the daughter of the King of the Universe.
Question: Are you sure you are willing to give up this position? This precious title, just to be an angel?
Angels do not have the same position as you. You have higher authority then angels in Heaven, as we're co-heirs in Christ.

And deep down, I know my answer is 'No'.
I will never give up this gift and position that Christ has given me. That God has so meticulously planned for me to become, a human being. Flawed but loved.
I know He's planned out every single detail in my life. Nothing is a coincidence. I am greatly love.
I will hold this title tightly, closely.
With this realisation, I felt privileged, with a tinge of hope and happiness..

...enough to go on.

Raindrops and errands

I knew it was going to rain heavily the moment I step out of the house.

I see big fat drops of rain committing suicide on the front porch's cement floor. Darker spots of water splatter appear as if magically.

I knew I had to go to Jaya One despite the weather, so ignoring the sign, I headed out with a small umbrella. hehe.

Crossing the road, walking down the flat escalator, taking note of how hard rain is falling now, wondering how on earth am I going to get back, printed notes, bought a cake, looking out of the tall glass windows and wondering if I should stay inside Cold Storage a little while until the rain softens, then deciding that I wouldn't because I'm such a bad a**, I can walk through any kind of rain. Hailstorm? Bring it.

It's interesting to note how fast that boastful thought fade by the time I reached the opposite of Old Town.

I was standing inside Jaya One (under the roof = safe zone), but facing the great outdoors.
The rain was intense. As in, I can literately see a white filament of water splatters everywhere outside the safe zone.

I dunno what exactly got into me, maybe it's a sign that I'm getting old, but I decided the stop walking, and just stand there, leaning on the wall.
I place the small umbrella on the floor beside me.
With my pink plastic file clench closely to my chest, I just felt at ease.

Isn't it ironic? Usually on any calm bright sunny day, this kind of place is the least likely place for me to feel at ease. I would be rushing back home, mind focusing on nothing but assignments.
But today, with the loud pouring rain outside the safe zone, I felt totally normal just leaning by the wall at a public area.

Two businessman walked pass me. One of them walking ahead of the other. I notice the second man had splashes of raindrops on his formal shirt. Coming back from lunch? I concluded quickly as they breeze by. They didn't seem to notice me. I smiled.

Funny how people seem too busy to notice things around them.

Rain doesn't seem to want to slow down. It splashes violently on the ground. Puddles and streams appear.

I wonder what made me feel so comfortable. And then I remembered the lyrics to a song:

"When the oceans rise and thunders roar,

I will soar with you above the storm,

Father you are King above the flood,

I will be still and know You are God."

Yeah, I may be taking the lyrics too literately, but isn't it true? The last line.

As I stare out at the crazy downpour, as I notice how each drops of rain creates a unique pattern of splatter on the ground, as I view the big picture and observe how every drop of rain is creating a different sound/visual/smell, I am overwhelm by the knowledge of the One who made rain.

I guess after living in a big city, with a schedule-packed life, it is so hard to find time to really be still. Literately be still and know how small we are.

And know that He is God.

Complaints and midnight thoughts

Here am I, covered in the dim orange light of my table lamp.

Facing the laptop. With earphones on, listening to Jayesslee's Dare You To Move.

Everything I see in this room has a warm orangey tone to it.

Midnight air is the coolest. It drifts into my room through the glass plated windows. I can pick up light coated floral sent in the air. It makes me feel fresh.

Just a few hours ago I was miserable. I was complaining. I wept. I was asking God why. I was bitter about losing my phone and being careless. I see imperfection when I look in the mirror. I had throbbing headache. Notice how many times I used 'I' in this paragraph. Ultimately I felt like He's ignoring me.

Deciding He would not talk to me today, I went down to brush my teeth. After that, while walking up the stairs, I notice the pain was gone. I was humbled. It just made me shut up about all the ramblings I was going on the past hours.

Reading Matthew later on, a line stuck out like a sore thumb to me.

"He saved others," they said, "but he can't save himself! He's the King of Israel!

Let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him.

- Matthew 27:42

They don't believe Him because He didn't float down from the cross for them to see or prove that He's innocent. They didn't know that He is saving them by not coming down.
I am no different from them. 

I've often faced situations where I doubt if He really loves me as much as He claims He does, simply because my prayers and questions aren't answered.

I realise that God doesn't work the way we want Him to work. We want everything now. Instant.

When will I learn that His love is valid even when I am hurting?


In this dim orange light, and cooling fresh midnight air, I can tell you, He loves me no matter what. Even though I might not feel it at times, even though I might doubt this love. His love is real, whether I believe in it or not.

He doesn't need to preform miracles in my life to prove He loves me.

But He would all the same.

The Mind as The Battlefield

I seldom do this, but last night was one of the few times in my life that I wish I understand myself better.

I was very confused because I felt very certain that I have overcome this challenge, with His help.
But when it attacked me again yesterday, I fell.
I don't understand why I could've fall, and so I became bitter, at me and at everyone.

I was angry at myself for falling into the trap. I was also a bit angry a Him for not leading me to avoid the trap.

But get this, whenever we face challenges, we're always blinded. We're always short-sighted.
I cannot see His provision for me at that time. I was too busy questioning God and myself and fighting the jealous feeling by my own strength. So why am I still surprised and disappointed at myself that I lost the battle? It's not by my own strength that I can win spiritual battles.

Today I felt a reminder to listen to Pastor Prince's sermon. I've always hear what a great preacher he is and how lots of people listens to his audio. I've never listen to his sermons before but I told myself I will one day. I kept forgetting until today.
So I went to his youtube channel. Scroll down and this video title caught my eye "The Battle for Your Mind". I knew at once that I can relate.

Listening to the video, my questions asked yesterday were answered. I asked Him "Why is this happening to me again? I thought You helped me overcome it already?"
I am comforted, when listening to the video, to know that I face this challenge because I am in His army.
I am born again. And the devil is like this angry hunter. He's going around trying to shoot down God's army. He manage to shoot me and injured me, but I'm not dead. Satan sees that my old wounds are not fully healed yet, so he decides the use it for his advantages and open it back up.

I'm telling you as someone who experienced all these that the battle of the mind is very real and it can happen to anyone. Unfortunately, this means anyone who owns a mind is potential to be a victim. Good news is that if Satan can be in your mind, so can Christ. Draw strength from Him.

He won't let you fight this alone.

An ancient love story (Part 2)

Isaac

Today I woke up feeling like my heart has been trampled over by 10 donkeys, then ripped apart by a baboon.
Must have been a nightmare last night. Can't really remember the details, but I remember mother's face graced my dream and she told me she would be leaving. I begged her to stay, but before I knew it, she'd vaporised.

Dreams like these would visit me almost every night.
Sometimes I would find myself grabbing mother's hand as she's about to fall off a cliff. Sometimes I would watch helplessly as a gang of dark clothed men take her away from me and father.
No matter how varied my dreams are, they always end up with the separation of mother from me.

I hate feeling so powerless about what happened to mother. She was the only closest woman in my life.
I was her only son. She had high hopes for me. But I couldn't protect her... not even from death.

Rebekah

The journey was long and tiring, but I was not the least bit exhausted. I was too worked up inside, anticipating what was about to come.

During the travel, I learnt that the name of servant of Abraham is Elizer. He is the head servant in the house of Abraham.

Elizer told me stories of Isaac. What I enjoyed most are stories of Isaac's childhood.
From Elizer's stories, I could almost imagine a young Isaac playing, talking and doing things young children would do. Elizer, being a faithful servant of Abraham, never revealed too much, but just enough to keep me motivated.

I tried asking Elizer to describe how Isaac looks like, but he never gave anything away.
He just wink and said "You'll find out soon enough."
I could feel my cheeks turn the colour of crimson, and I asked no more.

Isaac

I went out to the field, to calm my heart.

I wanted to remember mother for who she was, and out in the open field is where I get to feel that.
Mother was a woman of great beauty. Her beauty had once attract kings and rulers of other lands.
She carried herself with poise, just like how this tree carries it's branches filled with lush green leaves.
Her voice was soft and soothing, like the sound of rippling grass as they brush against each other in the wind.
I like the way the slow breeze would wrap around me, reminding me of mother's embrace.

All of a sudden, I hear sounds of camels from a distance.

I look up to see Elizer, father's head servant, and with him was a few maidens. They were still some distance away, I couldn't really see the maidens.. but I remembered that father had sent Elizer a few days ago to go look for a bride for me..

How cold I forget that? I was too busy drowning in my own misery to remember that I still have a life to live.

Rebekah

Elizer suddenly lifts his hands up and points to the land before us. He then announces that we're reaching.

My palms started getting cold. This is it. My new home. My new life.
My servants girls came to me. They reminded me that they're with me and that I'm not alone. I grip their hands tightly.

Our camels pass by a large land. It looks like a field.

I look out into the field, and there, I saw him.

Isaac

I quickly stood up. Dusted myself.

Could it be?

Could he have found someone to be my bride?

Heart racing, I went to greet them.

As I walk through the open space, my mind wonders how she looks like. I tried to get a glimpse of her from where I am. But the distance is too great. I can only see their outline.

Rebekah

But could it be Isaac? I only see a man. He's getting up. He's walking towards us.

If he is Isaac, surely Elizer will say something about it?

I look to Elizer and he's as calm as ever. Not intending to talk.

Dear Lord, the suspense is killing me. Please let me know who is he, so that I won't drown in mindless wondering.

I hurriedly got down my camel.

"Who is that man walking in the field to meet us?" I blurted out.

Elizer, as if he's been waiting for me to ask, has his answer ready
"It is my master" he answered calmly.

For a moment I almost believe that man was Abraham. But this man is certainly too young to be my granduncle.

I can see his sandy coloured hair become yellow in the sunlight. I can see the way his broad shoulders move back and forth as he walks nearer. I can see that he walks with a certain young energy and vibe.

There is only another master Elizer serves apart from Abraham. Isaac.

My heart skips a beat. 

I quickly took my veil and cover it over my head. 

Isaac

As I got nearer, I see one of the maidens got down from the camel. She also put up her veil.

She must be the one. My future bride. The rest must be her servant girls.
With that realisation, a wave of happiness comes over me.

Without thinking, my steps got bigger and I'm breaking into a jog.
I want to see her face.

My future bride, look at me.

Rebekah

I looked up. He's getting nearer. I can see his face now. I can see his eyes.
Deep set of eyes covered by thick dark eyebrows.
A dimple can be seen when he smiles.

The look in his eyes sends chills down my spine.
That determined, protective look, it's as if he knows already who am I, and that I am his.

Despite the strong emotions on his face, I can see the soft curves of happiness hanging from the side of his mouth.

Then it hit me, Isaac is happy to see me.
He's glad I am here and he's here to welcome me.
With that knowledge in mind, my tummy sets of an army of butterflies.

Isaac

There she is, standing now in front of me.

Her head is covered by the veil. She is modest and calm.

Her eyes are mysterious and carry a hint of green. Long, thick lashes decorate them.
Her lips are soft and full. Her cheeks shows a faint tint of pink.
She smells of light perfumed peach and rose.

Her face is the most beautiful I have ever seen.
But it is not because of her looks that I am captivated... it is because her beauty reminds me of something. Her elegance triggers back something in my mind.

Rebekah, as I was told was her name by Elizer, her beauty reminds me of only one other beautiful woman in my life- my mother.

With that, I knew God had sent me a cure for my nightmares.
He might have taken away my mother, but God is good and He never fails, He has now provide a wife to comfort me.

I will love her with all my heart.

An ancient love story (Part 1)

Rebekah

It was around evening, after the mid-day heat. I came out of my house with an empty jar on my shoulders, with the rest of the women in my clan, ready to draw water from the town's well like we always do.

Today seems different. I can feel it in my bones, I'm just not sure what is going to happened, but I'm very sure something is going to happen today.

As I got closer to the well, I noticed a man. I've never seen him around before, he must be foreign...

No matter, I need to do draw some water before the sun goes down.
I was surprised when the man approached me once I reached the well. He came up and requested for a drink of water from my jar.
As I look into his eyes, I see sincerity and weariness, like a man who has been entrusted with a huge responsibility.
His faces shows tiredness, as if he'd travelled a long way.

How could I reject this man? I lowered my jar to pour out the water I drew, for him.

As he drank, I glanced around to see 10 camels with him.
Instinctively, I suggested to draw water for his camels as well. After all, it's the only thing I could do for the foreigner.

This man immediately stopped drinking and looked at me like I was his saviour. All the weariness drain out of him at once. I have a sense that I have showed him kindness in ways he needed the most.
After I filled water for his camels, he took out some jewellery. Gold nose ring and bangles, and gave them to me. Of course I couldn't accept them, but he strongly insisted.
The man asked me whose my father. I answered him. He asked if there are rooms in my house for him and his camels to stay for the night. I welcomed him to stay in our house, I asked him to wait.

I ran home and told everyone what happened.

My father Bethuel and brother Laban welcomed the man into our home. They made him comfortable and invited him for dinner.

But this man, he said he would not eat until he has told us his story.

I was at the other room. Me, my mama, my sisters and aunts. They were all over me, demanding the details of my side of the story. I told them all I knew.
Mama was most excited, for after she sees the golden bangles and nose ring, she knew this man is from a rich family background.

I was very still and heard everything the man told my father and brother from the other room.

I learnt that he was the servant of a wealthy man named Abraham from Canaan. He came to our land to look for a bride for his master's son.

Wait, Abraham. Grandpa Nahor had a brother name Abraham. Abraham is also father's uncle. Yes, Abraham is my granduncle. 

Goosebumps crept upon me as the man tells of how he prayed to the Lord for a maiden who would let him drink from her jar and provide water for his camels.
Exactly what I did...except...I knew nothing of his prayer. But I acted out exactly to what this man prayed for. No wonder he gave me the look when I suggested drawing water for his camels.
I am in awe of how the Lord works.

The man has now finished his story. Voices from the other room dropped. I suppose he is giving father and brother time to think of his request. Then, I heard the my father's voice. He told the servant of Abraham, since it is the Lord's will for me to marry Abraham's son, he would not stand in the way.

Oh my poor father. He loves me and I can hear it from his tone that it is with a heavy heart he agrees. But still, he will obey God.

Everyone got ready to send me off in marriage. Father prepared animals and gifts for my future father-in-law. Mama pulls me aside and gave me an emotional talk on how she and father loves me, and her hopes of me being a good wife, daughter-in-law and future mother. She reminds me to love my God, my future family and always be kind and humble. Tears were exchanged. In the end, she wipe my face, gave me a kiss on my forehead. And there, she sealed her love for me. For she knows, she will never see her daughter again after tomorrow.

I was excited. I was nervous. I was sad. I was happy. Like many woman of my time, I have never seen the face of my future husband.
I lay awake that night, thinking of how he look like. How he sound like. How he carried himself.
I couldn't contain myself, I couldn't sleep.
Mama and sisters came in, knowing I would be restless, they held my hand, stroke my hair and sang me to sleep.
This is when I know I am ready to get married. For my family loves me so much and I wanted start one of my own to pass this love on.

Isaac

Mother had passed on.

Whenever I pass by her clothes, I can still pick up her scent.

Father is old and he has lost the spark in his eyes. The love of his life had went ahead of him. But he is still sane, thank God.

After father buried mother, life has been different.

I feel much more alone. I know I still have father, but it's just different. I miss mother dearly.

Some days I wake up feeling okay. Like life could go on.

Other days I wake up with a mourning heart.

Rebekah

The next day, the servant of Abraham was ready to set off, brining me along. But ma and Laban asked him to let my stay 10 more days. But he gently refuse; his master was waiting. He asked what I think, if I was ready. I told him I was. I put all my trust into this stranger.

With that we set off to Canaan.

...to be continued..

because this is getting too long and there's still more.