Conversations with brother

I used to think that my brother is snobbish and ignorant. We used to be close, aeons back, when he was still a chubby thing. Then things shifted.

Adolescence shaped us into moody teenagers; where we would fight over internet time (we didn't had the luxury of wireless back then) and largely turned anti-social human beings; locking ourselves in our bedrooms, listening to indie music (for him) and pop punk (for me), while trying to avoid as much housework and nagging as possible.

Fortunately, because of the 4 year gap between me and him, I grew out of the emotional, my-life-is-so-tough-I-hate-everyone-in-this-family-my-crush-doesn't-even-know-I-exist-puberty-sucks-I-don't-understand-my-body-anymore teenager stage faster then him.

But during my last trip back home, I had a conversation with the brother.

This is something big, considering he is still a creature who prefers not to come out of his room, except to go online, eat, bathe and watch tv.

Darling brother and I had to go to the town to run some errands. He hates it.

The sun was scorching hot. It's those kind of dry penetrative heat; you can still feel the sun's flare on your clothed skin.

By the time we were paying bills for mom and getting groceries for myself, I was covered in cool sweat and ready to slump in the car.

Thank God my brother is driving and the mountain air was sweet and fresh.

Brother started conjuring a conversation. I guess it's odd because he doesn't just talk to me at home. But I was only happy he's talking instead of sulking. It was a half and hour car ride back home, so I guess talking is good.

He asked me if I've read the comic he bought, Sandman. He caught me reading his comics before. I saw he bought new ones the other day but he was like a tigress who just gave birth; he wouldn't like me touch them.  I took it from him and read them, after he was done being so protective over them. I told him I did. I liked it. I asked him what he thought of the Avengers, since he's not a big Marvel fan. He's a DC fan. I know my brother is a guy who has strong opinions and stick with them. So my next question got the ball rolling. It's been in my head for quite sometime, I asked him why he chose DC over Marvel. Sounds shallow, huh? But I know my bro reads up his picks before rooting for them. So he must have a solid reason for supporting what he choose.

I did not expect his answer. He just said it was because of the villains.

He said there's enough superhero stories out there that sells villains short. They make villains so shallow, as in, the only reason why the bad guys in the story are bad guys is for money and world domination. That's the main reason scrpit writers and story writers always sell.

He says that real, solid characters for the villains are people who are bad just because they are bad, and no other reason.

I was as lost as you when he told me that. Huh, but that's stupid, I said.

He said yeah, in his annoying tone, but I kept patience. Because I know he hasn't revealed all.

One thing I can credit my brother is that he has a curious mind. He Googles everything. The hours he spent reading up things baffles me. Every time I glance over to see what he's up to on the laptop, half a time it's a Wikipedia page.

He knows many things. He just keeps them all to himself.

He has grown, more of mentally then physically, he's just not as tall as I hope he would be.

It made me realise how much I've missed out on him growing up.

So anyway, brother quoted something that made me pause and think.

He quoted Alfred Pennyworth, Batman's butler, one of the characters in Batman comics created by Bill Finger. Brother quoted: 

Real bad guys just want to watch you burn. Real villains taunts the good guys to kill, even to the extent of killing the villains themselves. To prove that the good guys aren't so good themselves.

When he said that, bam! I suddenly understood.

There's only one real bad guy out there. One which I know of. The devil himself. He suits this description perfectly. He goes around like a prowling lion, looking for potential victims. Because he knows he's already doom to eternity, so while he's at it, he will drag as much souls with him.

We always thought our enemies are mare human beings. Or parties or groups of people. People who blackmail us, people who are mean to us, cold to us, people who wants to bring us down.

But guess what? The real villain is just hiding behind he scene. He's just using humans to make you forget he's there. 

I'm glad I had the conversation with brother. Though I didn't point out my realisation to him, he taught me a great deal about who our real enemies are. But there's nothing to fear, because if you know that the devil is real..

..rest assured that God's even more real.

Faith goes Kaput

What are the possibilities of a laptop working after being left in a bag with a leaking water bottle for over half an hour?

Let me tell you, it'll be dead. Kaput.
It will need to be sent back to the headquarters of the laptop company to be fixed.
This will mean you are not able to access the internet, unable to use your computer as a source of daily entertainment and worst of all, it will mean money must be spent on the fixing.

Any university and collage student will tell you that laptop is their life. It helps them connect to the big word out there, without leaving their seats, or house, for that matter. The main thing is, a student cannot afford losing the laptop.
And I almost did that today.

I did the unthinkable by putting my water bottle (which has a history of leaking) in the same bag as my laptop.
The intensity of how much my laptop is wet can be seen by the papers I put in the bag too. 1/3 of the papers are soaked. I can see through the papers. It's lifeless and delicate; able to be torn in half with just a stroke of wind.

No prizes for guessing if my laptop can still be switched on or not after that.

My heart sank to my foot when the laptop screen would not turn on, even though the ON button lights up. There's still no sign on life.
The lights would turn off after 20 seconds. I kept trying a few times, and the results are the same.

I'm beginning to think of the worst. I thought of going on weeks without a laptop, that idea caused depressing thoughts.
I begin to pray. Praying hard. Making promises to God. I kept building up my faith that He'll make this work. I kept pushing my faith. I kept believing harder and harder that this will work, God will answer my prayers.

But after half an hour, I stop focusing so hard on the laptop. I left my laptop ventilated by the bedside fan, and left to bathe.

I can't help but have that tinge of bitterness and disappointment in me the whole time. I had faith. So why didn't it work? Why wasn't my laptop cured? Didn't God say that if we ask, it will be given to us, according to His will? I was doing exactly that just now. What more should I do?!
I had faith! My faith was strong! I believed so much, it hurts. Because deep down I know it's pretty impossible to fix this mess I have myself in, yet I still foolishly believed God can cure it for me.
A voice inside me logically reasoned that I should seek professional help instead of having faith. Oh, that sounds good, but the thing is, I don't know how or where to seek professional help. My only source of professional help is in Kuantan- le uncle. It all seems like a foolish game I'm playing with God.

Now I'm back in my room. I stared at my otherwise normal looking laptop, sitting lifelessly on my bed. How much I wish it's not dead. How I wish I'm able to turn it on and go online this moment. But I know that's not going to happen just yet.

So I sulked. Turned on the TV, flipped through The Little Prince. Carelessly shifting my attention between the Korean drama going on TV2 and the tiny book in my hands. I glanced longingly at my red laptop.

As much as I am frustrated that 'having faith' did not work the first time, I know I shouldn't let it go just like that.
I closed my eyes and really prayed this time. No urgency. No quick prayer to make it happen. I just wanna talk to God.

It's funny what that does to you; when you just take a break form all the worries, and just draw near to God. Words come to my mind as I prayed. Words that I believe was from the Spirit, and not me, because He reminded me of what real faith is.
I've caught myself doing this before, and it happened again just now.
I was too desperate to 'have faith'.
To have real faith, is not an action to preform for God to see. I cannot believe 'really hard' and hope God sees it to grant what I prayed for. Hadn't He clearly say that it is by faith and not by works that we are all saved?
To have real faith, is knowing that God can do anything. And by anything, I mean ANYTHING. It's not because that I do not have enough faith that God doesn't answer my prayers. It's because I've been foucsing on myself, my own ability to have how much faith.. see my problem? It's pointing back to me again, not God's ability.
I have been using my faith as a benchmark, a 'work' for God to see. I thought if I focus really hard, and invested all my strength on my faith that God will revive my laptop, it will work.

But it doesn't work that way. I should never turn my faith into 'works'. If you understand me, let me continue.
Faith is not something we can force ourself into. Faith is not something you should feel uncomfortable having 'too much' or 'too little'.
If you feel that you're having too much faith on something that seems impossible to happen, that's not faith in God. That, my friends, is having faith in yourself.

It's a tricky thing. I'm not sure if you follow. But if you do, bravo. Don't fall for it ever.

So I made a prayer and laid hands on the red laptop. I said,
'I know You can do anything. Because You have already defeated death, sin and bondage. I know You have the power to revived this hopeless electronic device. I know You can do it. So if this is according to Your will, please, let my laptop be able to function again. I do not want to let it be sent to the office for repairs because I know You can do it for me. Amen.'

With that, I pressed the ON button. Blue lights comes on. But screen still stays black.
This time, there's a good feeling, because I know I'm focusing on the right thing, Jesus, not on how strong my faith is..
The blue lights suddenly turn off. My eyes were still glued to it. And suddenly the blue lights flicked on and off on and off for a good 4-5 times. The screen flicks to life and shows the name of my laptop brand.

I literately let out a sigh of relieve. But it's not really the end of the story. The screen stays black, it shows, 'Operating System cannot be detected'
Good thing I took IM last semester, I know Operating System is a short form for OS which means Windows 7 for my case. It also means the laptop is working but couldn't detect Windows 7.

This isn't good news, but at least there's responds form the screen instead of just the ON button.

I called Rox, but she wasn't home so I couldn't talk to her dad about this. It's a timely thing too, because I restart the laptop. While doing all that, I kept my source of faith and focus on Jesus. I know He has the power.
The second time the screen flickers on, everything was normal again. The windows sign pops up. Nothing was lagging. That's when I know how much I've misunderstood faith and how much I am loved.

Don't focus on how much energy and strength your believing can make it happen, do focus on how much He can really make it happen- that is effortless.
Now I understand why God says 'Even if you have faith as small as a mustard seed...'

because that's all it takes for it to happen.

Not huge gigantic coconut fruit/seed.