I remember the smell warm night air traced with cotton candy scent.
I remember the bright lights shining from every ride, as if trying to entice young kids.
I remember families big and small, running around, holding hands, amusing themselves with the fun fair.
Everyone was so happy.
For a young child like me, it was like heaven; except it was at night, except that it was on earth.
I loved every bit of energy going on there.
But most of all, I remember the tallest ride. The biggest ferris wheel.
It's lights were exceptionally brighter. It's many glowing warm bulbs were shining so brilliantly.
It attracted me as how the glow of a candle on a cold rainy night would attract a lost moth.
I found myself standing in awe in front of the giant rotating wheel, my hands still clutching on to Pa's. I forgotten how many times I looked into his eyes and asked for a ride on the magnificent wheel, but I remember it took me many pleadings until Pa finally agreed.
Even after 17 years, I can still strongly recall the struggle in me.
One part of me yearns to go sit on one of those cute little cubical of the ferris wheel. I want to be able to see my house from the top of the wheel. I want to be high up there, feeling the night breeze on my face.
But another part of me was absolutely terrified at the thought. As much as I want to go sit on a ride that would be so high up, I would never do it alone. I was so scared that my palms grew cold.
Pa sensed that and he knew it was his duty as my father to bring me through it.
He made me the happiest 5 year old when he told me we could go on the Ferris wheel.
As we got higher and higher on the Ferris wheel, I started to have second thoughts. What if one of the cables snapped and the whole thing comes tumbling down? What if we got all the way up there and the ride malfunctions? Would we be stuck up there forever? But with Pa's big warm hands holding my tiny cold ones, those thoughts doesn't seem to have that much effect on me. I was assured.
I did not dared to look down for too long. But Pa coxed me. He pointed my mum and then-baby brother out in the crowd. I braved myself to take a peep through the gaps of metal bars beneath my feet.
There they were. My beautiful mother and chubby baby brother. They waved at us.
The sky was beautiful from up there. I was sure God painted the night sky with Chinese ink and sprinkled it with gold dusts we call stars. I saw all the lights from every houses in my taman. My heart was beating so hard and so fast.
I remember the face of pa that night. He kept smiling whenever he saw the insecurity in my eyes as our tiny cubical shook. I remember his dimples whenever he smiles. I never let got of his hands. It was just the two of us, high up on a Ferris wheel, looking down on the world.
I was grateful for that. I'm sure he was grateful for the chance to bring his eldest daughter through such an intimate experience as well.
Having experiences like this taught me how important holding on to certain things are in different seasons of our lives. But there are certain things for certain times.
For the 5 year old me, it was my father's steady hands that radiates comfort. I know that I couldn't hold on to his hands for all the seasons in my life; like not when I step into secondary school for the first time. But having his hands to guide and comfort me at the right time and place was exactly what I needed for a beautiful childhood memory.
Perhaps I have been holding on to somethings that doesn't belong to me for far too long. I shouldn't have had in the first place. I have been toying with something that doesn't rightfully belong to me. Perhaps it is about time to let go.
There is a time for everything. I am only sorry to myself and my Heavenly Father if I have awaken certain things before it's time. As hard as it is, as much as I don't want to let go, I must. For I know that if I don't do it now, it's only going to cost me even more in the future. Grant me the strength, O Lord.
Goodbye, now.
It's long due.
It's long due.
