Raindrops and errands

I knew it was going to rain heavily the moment I step out of the house.

I see big fat drops of rain committing suicide on the front porch's cement floor. Darker spots of water splatter appear as if magically.

I knew I had to go to Jaya One despite the weather, so ignoring the sign, I headed out with a small umbrella. hehe.

Crossing the road, walking down the flat escalator, taking note of how hard rain is falling now, wondering how on earth am I going to get back, printed notes, bought a cake, looking out of the tall glass windows and wondering if I should stay inside Cold Storage a little while until the rain softens, then deciding that I wouldn't because I'm such a bad a**, I can walk through any kind of rain. Hailstorm? Bring it.

It's interesting to note how fast that boastful thought fade by the time I reached the opposite of Old Town.

I was standing inside Jaya One (under the roof = safe zone), but facing the great outdoors.
The rain was intense. As in, I can literately see a white filament of water splatters everywhere outside the safe zone.

I dunno what exactly got into me, maybe it's a sign that I'm getting old, but I decided the stop walking, and just stand there, leaning on the wall.
I place the small umbrella on the floor beside me.
With my pink plastic file clench closely to my chest, I just felt at ease.

Isn't it ironic? Usually on any calm bright sunny day, this kind of place is the least likely place for me to feel at ease. I would be rushing back home, mind focusing on nothing but assignments.
But today, with the loud pouring rain outside the safe zone, I felt totally normal just leaning by the wall at a public area.

Two businessman walked pass me. One of them walking ahead of the other. I notice the second man had splashes of raindrops on his formal shirt. Coming back from lunch? I concluded quickly as they breeze by. They didn't seem to notice me. I smiled.

Funny how people seem too busy to notice things around them.

Rain doesn't seem to want to slow down. It splashes violently on the ground. Puddles and streams appear.

I wonder what made me feel so comfortable. And then I remembered the lyrics to a song:

"When the oceans rise and thunders roar,

I will soar with you above the storm,

Father you are King above the flood,

I will be still and know You are God."

Yeah, I may be taking the lyrics too literately, but isn't it true? The last line.

As I stare out at the crazy downpour, as I notice how each drops of rain creates a unique pattern of splatter on the ground, as I view the big picture and observe how every drop of rain is creating a different sound/visual/smell, I am overwhelm by the knowledge of the One who made rain.

I guess after living in a big city, with a schedule-packed life, it is so hard to find time to really be still. Literately be still and know how small we are.

And know that He is God.

Complaints and midnight thoughts

Here am I, covered in the dim orange light of my table lamp.

Facing the laptop. With earphones on, listening to Jayesslee's Dare You To Move.

Everything I see in this room has a warm orangey tone to it.

Midnight air is the coolest. It drifts into my room through the glass plated windows. I can pick up light coated floral sent in the air. It makes me feel fresh.

Just a few hours ago I was miserable. I was complaining. I wept. I was asking God why. I was bitter about losing my phone and being careless. I see imperfection when I look in the mirror. I had throbbing headache. Notice how many times I used 'I' in this paragraph. Ultimately I felt like He's ignoring me.

Deciding He would not talk to me today, I went down to brush my teeth. After that, while walking up the stairs, I notice the pain was gone. I was humbled. It just made me shut up about all the ramblings I was going on the past hours.

Reading Matthew later on, a line stuck out like a sore thumb to me.

"He saved others," they said, "but he can't save himself! He's the King of Israel!

Let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him.

- Matthew 27:42

They don't believe Him because He didn't float down from the cross for them to see or prove that He's innocent. They didn't know that He is saving them by not coming down.
I am no different from them. 

I've often faced situations where I doubt if He really loves me as much as He claims He does, simply because my prayers and questions aren't answered.

I realise that God doesn't work the way we want Him to work. We want everything now. Instant.

When will I learn that His love is valid even when I am hurting?


In this dim orange light, and cooling fresh midnight air, I can tell you, He loves me no matter what. Even though I might not feel it at times, even though I might doubt this love. His love is real, whether I believe in it or not.

He doesn't need to preform miracles in my life to prove He loves me.

But He would all the same.