Past

Dear boy of the past,

Hello! I'm glad you still remember me.

I always thought I have gotten over you... today, I still believe I don't harbor the same feelings for you anymore... BUT it never fail to surprise me how I still feel unreasonably upset I'm not close to you now whenever I see your photos.

We were never an item... in fact, we had the most inconvenient time of liking each other.

You liked my best friend of that time (me and her are still friends now, but not best anymore not because of him, it's because I moved to a new place and we seldom kept in touch anymore.), I was one of the few who found out first. I knew. I kept quiet.
It hurts really bad at times, but the naive me always found a way to brush it away.

You must have found out about me because the young me texted you almost everyday. You knew. You kept quiet.

You kept liking her. I kept liking you. We both knew. We both just kept quiet about it.

It was unspoken.

Looking back, I felt stupid. I couldn't believe how obvious I was about liking you.
But I appreciate the fact that you never once avoided me even after you knew.
I truly appreciate that you kept me as a close friend.

Later, just before we headed off to our respective universities, also known as the ending part of our friendship, I felt something. I felt that you might have liked me too.
You were more responsive. You were looking out for me. You would find me too.

But at that time, I have given up on you. Or my feelings for you have faded.
Because it has been 2 years.
2 torturous years of watching you subtlety like my then best friend. 2 years of telling myself I'm never gonna be like her, to just give up. 2 years of learning to love you like a brother, more then a crush.

And those 2 years helped me get over you. I see you more of a brother.

But some days, I still wonder what it would have been if I said something. Or if you did.

You know, after penning down all these. I finally understood why I still couldn't let you go even though I have no more feelings towards you.

One very simple reason: It's because we came so close.
You were someone in my life who showed me how close I could get before it slip away from me. It was all different timing.

I guess what I can conclude from this is, life has a certain way of showing us how much we've come so close to having something before it grabs it all away. Timing.

Perhaps this is God's way of preserving me for the right person He has in mind for me in the future. In that case, I thank Him.

I've always gotten bitter whenever I see your photos. But now, I want to stop.
You deserve who you are with now. You deserve this new phase in life. You don't deserve a sad friend who mopes every time she sees your happy photos.

I want to be truly happy for you from now on. No more bitterness.

I'm sorry for acting like a child.

I guess this is all I want to tell you. It feels better writing it all out, getting my thoughts in place.
I have a new attitude for you, for us.
My problem is I love holding on to memories. But today I learn that it doesn't matter how good memory of the past is, time will come where I have to stop holding on to the past. The time is now.

I just pray you that hold on to God. That you still honor Him and remember Him, always.

That's all for now.

From the girl of your past,
Tam

Rain Down

[Rain down on me, here in Your presence I am free.]

She can't remember the last time she felt this carefree.
This was what she had been wishing for... for some time.
Maybe she just need some time away from the drama. Maybe she just needed space to breathe.

And honestly, it felt so good. It's like a blast of fresh air after being stuck in a tiny box for hours.

When she threw her head back to laughed, she realized that she hadn't felt this real in ages.
There was nothing nagging her at the back of her mind.
There was no one to stand on guard for.
There was no one to care.

Deep down, she also knows that this won't last forever. She will have to go back to face the music.

But at least she knows she can come back to this place and to this group of people where she doesn't have to put on a mask.

But what surprises her is that she doesn't really mind going back to the life she belonged.
Because she knows this is life.

You can't get everything you want in life.
There will be times where it will be hurtful and confusing.
There will be times where you feel helpless and trapped.
There will be times where you have to smile and laugh even though that's the last expression you want to show.

But if you want the sweetness, you have to taste the bitterness. If you want the joy, you have to feel the pain. Perhaps it's because of the two extreme opposites that makes us appreciate the better one.

But ultimately, she knows... she knows this phase she's going through is to built up her character.
She knows her Father loves her way too much to simply place her in this part of life without providing or planning something greater and better when she walks out of it.

She's starting to see the clearer picture now, even though it's not the full picture, she's slowly starting to see.
She's starting to understand.

It's true what they say: It's not the destination that counts, it's the journey.
Now, she just needs to focus on continuing this journey in a way that will benefit her and the people around her the most.

Sounds so far-fetched , self-sacrificing and difficult huh?
The truth is far from it.

But hey, have you met this girl's Father?

With Him around what's impossible? ;)