The sad thing

The sad thing is, sometimes it's not how much joy you feel but it's how much pain you feel, that makes you realize how much you like someone.

I know that a healthy relationship with anyone, be it friend, family or significant other should not have any negative feelings. Perhaps this is the consequence to pay for awakening things before its' right time, if it is, I am suffering.

I would love to point fingers right now. I would love to trace back to how the plot twists to become what it has become right now. But again, I am reminded that what has happened has happened. So what if I could put the blame on others? Does that mean I am not to be blamed as well? If I can be as bold to blame others, I must be bold to blame myself too. I truly do not understand why things happen the way they did. Why we cross paths with certain people in our lives..

Perhaps I'm starting to understand you more and perhaps I'm sadden at what I've learnt. What happened to all the cautions and precautions? But who am I to say I'm disappointed in you? I'm sure I have given you my fair share of disappointments. You have your questions too, I trust.

I re-read Blue Like Jazz by Don Miller yesterday, and there's this line that says "There are things you cannot understand  and you must learn to live with this. Not only must you learn to live with this, you must learn to enjoy this."

It's not easy learning to enjoy things that doesn't please what you see daily. But I want to learn. I want to learn so badly. Because if I can learn to master this with God's help, I can master almost anything else in life.

The sad thing is I've replaced God in my heart with things that are tangible in my life. But the wonderful thing is, it's God we're talking about... the everlasting God. The God that is good. Despite my surroundings, my situations, my feelings, my thoughts, my desires, He is still the graceful God who overlooked my shortcomings and chose to love me with His life.

"Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me"

Comfort Zone

Do you know that 'good' Christians have comfort zone for sinning?
It's okay for us to tell small white lies, be jealous, be envious, be angry, be lazy, be too engross with something apart from Christ.. but when it comes to things we don't usually 'sin' everyday, it's stepping out of the comfort zone of sin, and it's unacceptable.

Today, I cross my sinning comfort zone.
How did I know?

Because I look back at what I did, and an immense feeling of guilt overcomes me.
And voices rage within me. Voices of justification. Defending and shouting for my innocence.
The more it defends, the more I feel better at myself, but the more heavy my heart feels from trying to feel better.

Because when I look back at what I did, I felt that what I did isn't me.
Looks of disgust and disbelieve from love ones act like waves of electric that shocked me back to reality.
I would never do that. How could a good Christian like me do something like that? What have I done?

I should have known. The devil knows my weaknesses. He'll use that against me and the sad thing is, I willingly let him win.

The first thing I see when I got online was this:

If there's anything I learn today is that I learn to appreciate grace even more. Yes, sure, when I was in my comfort zone of sin, grace meant something, just not everything.
I sing about it. I read about it. I think it's the most beautiful thing ever created by God.
But I don't appreciate it in it's truest value. I don't constantly think everything I am worth now is because of grace. The immensity of it.

It's because I fell differently today from the usual days that I realize how unworthy I am and appreciate how worthy is the One who died for me.

Today, I find that I don't even have the self-worth left in me to defend myself to anyone in real life after what happened.
Today, I learn that this is how I should be reminded every time I become too big or full of myself.
Today I learn a lot. Today I am humbled by leaps and bounds.

When Jesus says "Blessed are the poor in Spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven."
I never really understood it's meaning. Reading the explanation in my study Bible, I found out that the 'poor in Spirit' meant those who do not think highly of themselves, spiritually, thus they hunger for more and more of God.
The dangers of being a 'normal' Christian too long is that you start to be 'rich' in Spirit. There's so much shame to admit this, but it's true: you start take pride in all the 'good' things you have done because of what you are taught in Church and your leaders. You think you deserve some sort of secret recognition (between you and God) for the times you didn't swear, didn't cheat, didn't lie and the list goes on.
If you haven't felt any of those, I applaud you. I sincerely do, because I have not been like you. Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus.

I want to strip off this sick mindset of being 'rich' in the Spirit. I am not nor will I never be. If I am ever rich, it is only through Christ that I am.

Lastly, today I learn that I shall never be disgusted at what other people has wronged. A saying that goes "Don't judge others just because they sinned differently then you" came to me as I reflect on my day.

This simply brings out a whole new meaning of not judging others. Even when I hear of crimes that sicken me, stories that sadden me, I want to learn not pass judgment. After all, the smallest lie in my comfort zone is still an unsightly black spot in His blameless eyes.

The only one worthy to judge is the One seated on the throne of glory above.

Not me.

Future

"Everyone of us have our own expectations on ourselves. We're hardest on ourselves."

I cried so many times today. No matter how hard I try, it won't stay dry.

First time was the breakdown.
I tried my best, you know. I did. All these while, I put on a smile, an OK for everyone. Even when I knew I couldn't go on anymore, I forced myself to go on.
In the end? It caused me to breakdown, crying and saying I can't do it anymore.
It's just. so. hard.

I don't know how other people does it. Those people who wake up everyday to do the things they dislike but end up doing them perfectly.

Second time was the encouragement,
When a visitor come to encourage me. Although she just used normal words, it pierced through me. It made me cry, again.
She said something that touched me so much. She said she wanted me to know she loves me. Ah, tears.
No, I don't crave for her love. I just felt so touch that despite all the uneasiness and tension on the surface that I am facing, there is still love. Warm fuzzy lovely love.
And I know that she's not just saying it. She meant it. Her presence being in front of me proved that.
I can see the tiredness in her eyes, the worry in her heart, yet she chose to take time out to talk to me.

Last time is now.
I kept thinking, Lord, why are You so good? I feel so suffocated, so many things on my plate.
You know my struggles, why do they always seem to come all at once? Is it because I am weak that I fall so easily?
Despite all that questions, You took time to talk to me through others. You manage to remind me that I am weak, that's why I need You.

I've been so frustrated recently. Frustrated with myself mentally, physically and emotionally.
But I know I'm most frustrated spiritually. My Lord doesn't seem to be responding to me and in return I don't bother to look for Him.
It's just a touch-and-go daily with Him.

Never do that. When you deprive yourself from your Maker, you're only going to make yourself suffer in a long run. It's never going to satisfy you.

I've learnt now, Father, You are so perfect. Your timing is impeccable. You know how I'll end up, where I'll go. How I'll look like, sound like, be perceive as..
I still don't know my future, but You've seen it. You'll still love, care, cherish and never forsake future me.

I shall feel safe knowing this.