Replay

Am I really ready for this?
Maybe this is the wrong choice.
What makes me think I can handle leading people if I can't even accomplish small simple tasks given?
Maybe I should just give this title to someone more capable to do things.
I don't think I am ready for this.

To be honest, these were the things on my mind this evening.

I can't shake them off. I know I'm not suppose to entertain these thoughts. But when I stumble, I naturally take in the blame. As strange as this sound, I want to feel guilt.
Because that's what I think I deserve.

I start wondering if I should give up. I wonder if my leaders have misjudged my capabilities. I am not the right person for this.
Just as I was entertaining these thoughts of me not being the right one, He suddenly played out one private memory between me and Him for my mind's eyes to see.

It was a familiar memory. The one where I was in Selena's car, on the way from Broga Alpha Weekend Away back to PJ.
I was challenged by my future leader at that time to seriously consider committing myself to the church.

At that time, I was church hopping, I don't see why should stay in one church permanently. I don't understand the big deal at that time. My reasoning was, I am going to church weekly, so why bother if I stay in just one church? I might even benefit from both churches.

Back in Selena's car, there was a battle inside me. I don't dare to commit myself to this church yet because I am currently in my comfort zone. I know that if I agree to be tied down to this church, I have responsibilities to this church. I guess you can say it's like marriage. I know that once I commit myself to the church, I will need to step up to serve. I don't like the idea because I am afraid of standing out and doing things I have never done before.

As the struggle went on, He reminded me of this verse:
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10

That was enough to make me make the right decision. It has become my favourite verse since.

Around 1 year after that, which is today, as I was in Kar Lock's car, this whole memory came back. I was again reminded of this verse. The things that I wanted to avoid have indeed came true. But I know there's nothing to fear now. His gentle reminder provides me enough comfort and affirmation to let me know that I am the right person for this.

For those whom I have hurt today. I am truly sorry. My actions were not meant to come off to hurt you. I hope that after you read this, you understand my side of the story, although it is not an excuse for me to act the way I did. No matter what, I am sorry. Thank you for putting up with me, all the same.

Yeah sure, I have weaknesses. I didn't not plan my time well. I have so much flaws, but I have Him. He's not giving up on me... as I have learnt today..

And that is enough to make me whole.

Letter to Father

Dear Father,

When I was around 14 or 15, it was the first time I got hurt emotionally.

I simply assume it was because I lack physical attractiveness.

I guess it Your heart broke too; You were sad I could think so negatively of myself.

Even though I've grown out of it now, the scar is still there and it still hurts when it is being rubbed. I cannot think that I am gorgeous. I do not look for compliments or anything, this is just me, what I feel and I am being raw with You.

Through out the years, I've learn to appreciate my own appearance. But things change, while I may have slowly recovered from this physical depression. This scar of mine continue to dig out a series of depressions for me to feel.

I love to tell You that I've dealt with my problems in a proper manner. But I did not.

As a form of method to comfort myself, I find solace in my position in the life of people around me.

I set my value as being this person's good friend, being this person's best friend, being this person's favourite. I threw my measurement of self worth in other people's hands. I can tell you this is never a wise decision, because once people declare you are not valued by them, you come crashing down.

But that was how it is when I have lost my identity and I don't know where to look for it.

A few weeks ago, I received a prayer. I was reluctant because I felt that, at the moment there is no problems in my life. I took prophetic prayer too lightly. The problem with me is that I think prophetic is only 'accurate' when it describe my current life situation, not true. It is also about my future.

It struck me now that it is exactly what I need, her prayer. She told me 'contentment'.

Be contented with who I am. What I have.

The only identity I need to know, is that I am YOUR beloved daughter. The only ruler I need in this universe is Your love.

I am sorry for not seeing that before. For saying I am not as good while You have already made me as You see fit. Sorry for hurting you, sorry for not going to You when I am suppose to.

I'm learning, Father. Day by day, to simply be happy to have You loving me.

Your beloved daughter,

Tam