They say you can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness.
I never knew I was addicted to sadness until recently.
Let me get this straight: I don't find joy when I am sad, I don't even look forward to being sad.
What I am addicted to, is having negative thoughts, which will naturally leads me to be sad.
Truth be told, I am not proud of this. Who likes a girl who thinks negatively?
These thoughts crawls out after the sun sets. When you're alone in your room. When you're all by yourself waiting for the LRT with strangers walking past. Even when you're with the people you love, who has no idea of the torment going on in your head. And these thoughts, they just grow bigger and bigger as the night goes on. Negative thoughts feed on self-pity, it gloats on hopelessness and it nurses depression to life. You think that anyone who is a victim of the legendary 'werewolf' is a curse, I'll tell you that is a way more realistic curse.
But you know what's the worst part? The worst part is that if no one comes along and wakes you up, you will be stuck in this loop of negativity for a long long time. It's a vicious cycle. It doesn't stop. You see, you start off with a small uncomfortable thought. This small uncomfortable thought will accumulate. It will snowball to become an endless possibility of negative thoughts.
"I'm just preparing myself for the worst, these thoughts are okay you know, they prepare me." You would tell yourself. But darling, listen to yourself. How does this prepare you? Except to make you so emotionally, mentally, physically exhausted that you can't even put up a good fight if ever your negative assumptions come true.
The best you could do say these negative assumptions ever come true, is to cry your heart out and between every sob laments "I knew this would happen."
That's the best you could do.
I am so bless Father loves me. To send my best friend to tell me I am thinking too negatively. I'm glad she told me. I'm glad I realise before it's too late.
So yeah, I'm going to stop this now.
But just when I thought I am starting to overcome it, I am tested again. Wow.
It wasn't easy, let me tell you. I felt my heart drop to my stomach.
I wanted to shout how this is not right.
I wanted to tell them what I want.
But most of all, I wanted to think of all the sad possibilities. I just want to be sad to the point of crying.
Then I remember what I told myself earlier the day.
No more negative thoughts.
I won't feed them. I won't let them lead me too far.
I'm telling those thoughts "This is how far you go, no more."
