In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die. Where you invest your love, you invest your life

I honestly thought today was my lucky day.

My sleep was so beautiful this morning. So calming and peaceful.
Except for the part where Roxanne went out of the room and locked the door as she went, but knocked ever so lightly on the door again because she forgotten to bring her keys out with her.

So like a half dead zombie, I sat up to unlock the door for the sweet little cousin of mine.

But I didn't really mind, because I know the morning is still early. I still have time to snooze. And the best part was, my alarm never rang. I joyfully took note of that that with morning sleepy brain.

I closed my eyes and went back to wherever I want to. It was like I'm in a field of tall grassy green field. Gusts of wind blowing in circles and me just standing in the mists of it all. Basking in the glory of God's wonderful creation.

I was enjoying my make-believe dream until I noticed how bright the sky is and like how comedy movies would always pause play the rewind track, my brain gave me a mind-attack by realizing my phone's alarm has not yet ring.
It's suppose to annoy me at 7.50am everyday. Unfortunately, the intensity of sunlight penetrating through my eyelids and eventually into my eyeballs tells me it's definitely past 7.50am.

I sat up so fast, I'm sure it would break all 33 of my backbones if I had osteoporosis (which I am currently gratefully thanking God I do not have).

I started out clam. Tossing everything on my bed. When I couldn't find it, I started looking in my study desk. When that didn't produce any result, I finally picked up my glasses.

No visually challenged person picks up their glasses unless they get serious.
No one, not even I-Love-Sleep-Tammie.

I turned my sling bag upside down searching for the phone. It was then I also found out my purse is also missing.

Wow.

Talk about waking up on the wrong side of the bed.

This is heavy news to register, 8am early in the morning.
If I really lost my purse AND phone at yesterday night's mamak, I can pretty much get ready to make my IC, driving licences, Student ID, atm card all over again. Yay.

Oh the excitement.

No. I refuse to be emotionally down so early of the day. My past experience and faith taught me to seek Him first NO MATTER how terrible the situation is.

I told Father I'm deeply troubled. I cannot focus on alone time with Him, but I want to. I asked Him to keep my purse and phone in safe hands. Somehow, when I'm still asking Him that, I know it will be done. It sounds unreal when I put it in words, but a sense of confidence that my Lord will be faithful and a sense of comfort just filled me up to the brim.

Finally I got to contact Hubert (even when my phone is not with me, mind you) and he confirmed the purse and phone is in his car. Praise the Lord.
He said it's even more amazing no one took it, because it was left exposed on the back car-seat. Double praise the Lord.

But if I thought my trial was over, I'm a fool.

Waiting to get the phone and purse back requires a whole other level of patience and calmness.
But the most challenging part I faced was not the lack of patience, but rather, the feeling of lack of security.

I know I'm not the only one who doesn't feel secure not having money and phone with me wherever I go. I feel completely vulnerable. Like a newborn, facing the world alone.

Having enough cash in my purse lets me know I have control, that I can make decisions on my own.
Having a phone in my hand lets me know I can reach out to friends for help whenever I'm in need.

Strip me of these 2 essential things and put me outside my house, in my eyes, I having nothing of worth. No sense of power, no sense of control.

I guess that part was the hardest because it requires me to completely and fully and just 100%-ly trust in God.

I don't know how to contact Hubert. I don't know how to wait for him in a restaurant without any cash with me.

It was a real eye-opener.

It got me thinking.

I've always been in my own safe little comfort zone. A roof over my head, a nice bedroom with cute lights, a loving supportive family, an awesome group of friends... all these things are very good, but do they take up too much of space in my heart? Do I depend too much on them?

Shamefully, my answer is yes. Most of my life, I lean on these things too much.

When if one day, just like Job, all these are taken away from me (which is highly possible, seeing that we live in a world where things are constantly changing), will I drop into the deepest pit of depression and anxiety and be completely destroyed?

... or will I be able to focus my source of love and strength on my heavenly Father (who will never ever change), and be completely unfazed by the changes of my earthly surroundings?
Will I still be obedient to answer His calling?
Will I stay faithful to Him?

For I know all these things will come to an end one day. But what my Father have with me is eternal.
I want to invest in the areas that are eternal.

When the time calls for it, letting go of tangible worldly things are never easy. But just like a verse ma made me memorize when I was very young in Matthew 6:26 assuredly reminds me:

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"

Remember this daily, Tammie.

It will do you good.

A family that serves

It's Kari Jobe singing. She's using her talent, singing praises to our Father that motivated me to type something about what I experienced in prayer meeting just hours ago.

I came in for prayer meeting rather late today. A few people caught my attention today during the meeting.

A particular man with grey hair, with his back facing me, as he stands in a tiny circle praying with his friends, a well-groomed woman with turquoise shawl, stands next to him.

A little girl with long wispy hair laughs as she ran passed my vision. She is the kind of girl I wish my future daughter to be. Bubbly, full of energy, she's beaming with health and she carries with her just the right amount of mischievousness, it gleams from her eyes.

From the corner of my eyes, I caught another girl. This one older. Thinking back now, she gives me a sense of maturity yet innocence. Ironic as it sounds, from my experience, it's mostly girls who have known Christ most of their lives carries this wonderful trait. Although I didn't pay much attention to her compared to the younger girl, I can see myself approving her as a friend.

I never seen any of them around church before. The man and woman must be from mandarin service, the older girl must be one of the new people the youths brought in... and that hyper younger one must be someone's daughter... the Sherlock in me finally deducted and then I paid no more attention to them.

I do this all the time whenever I see new faces. I have the need to fit new people in the current surrounding. Little do I know, these 4 new faces belongs to one family.

When Pastor Moses asked us to pray for 'George and Alison', the little girl ran forward to her parents; who turns out to be the man and the woman, with such pride that for a split second, I could've felt the love of the family.

I wouldn't have known the older girl was also their daughter if I had not turn around to see some sisters laying hands on her as they prayed.

As I turned back, I suddenly remembered how I used to be like the older girl.

There was a period in my life where I would tag along with my parents as they serve.

They usually help out in other churches's Sunday school, or they would be in charge of church camp's children activities.

My dad, who I am still so very proud of, would play the guitar and lead worship. Sometimes, he would even dress up as a clown to entertain the kids.

My mother, who has an in-built heart for kids, would tell stories and encourage the kids to draw. Her profession as a teacher groomed her well for this job.

Looking back now, my parents have a special love for kids. They don't mind sacrificing their time and energy to do all these. But most importantly, as much as my parents love working with kids, I believe my parents have a heart for God even more. They know who they are serving, and they love Him.

All the churches whom my parents served in would always offer to pray for us. They would call us out, and just like what we did for George's family, they would lay their hands on us and pray for us.

The sincerity and love is what moved me now... because I was too young and foolish to appreciate it last time.

And this is what brings me to write this long-winded post.

As I relate myself to the older girl, a rush of emotions overcame me. I missed being prayed after as a family.

But as I think back, I realise that I have undervalued the prayers poured out for me and my family. So when I prayed for George's family just now, I poured my heart out for them. I imagined what I would want elders to pray for me and I used that to pray for the 2 beautiful girls.

God opened my eyes to see how precious it is when a family dedicates themselves to serve Him.

How delighted He is at this.

I too, want this for my family in the future.

I want my Lord to have a reason to look down and smile.

Because He knows there's a family on earth, in Malaysia, or anywhere for that matter, that would be there doing His ministry, in love and in passion. All for His name and glory.

Kari's sandy voice soothes my spirit.

I just want to sing with her..

Humbled

I saw the cake in the pantry when I was scanning images with the photocopy machine.. but I never thought it was for me. I thought it's for our client that's coming for the meeting.

5 minutes after that, Chitra called out "Tammie! Hurry, come to the conference room. Come, come." I jumped out of my seat because of the urgency in her voice, that's when I find the whole office empty. I kept asking 'What's going on?'. I saw the cake on the table, it just got me even more curious. This cannot be for me. What is really going on..?

They must have seen the completely weird expression on my face.

So once inside, lao ban niang offered the explanation. She said in her motherly tone, "We're here to wish you happy birthday, Tammie. We're one week late, but we still want to celebrate for you."

My face must have gone red. Light red at least.

Let me tell you why.

For the 2 months plus in the company, I've experienced 2 of my senior's birthdays. Both of them are great staffs and very much loved by my bosses. As a tiny intern, I have much respect for both of them. Both of their birthday are celebrated in the same way. An office celebration. We used the conference room. When the conference room is used, it means something big.

When my brain finally processed the fact that my boss allowed or even initiated this celebration for me.. me an intern in the company.. I am completely humbled.

Quah, one of my colleague, confirmed the big deal by saying "They usually don't care about interns, so this company is good to you."

I nodded my head vigorously.

Their mission seems at the moment seems to be: Make Tammie embarrassed by saying nice things about her in front of her. hehe.

Chun Wan, the cool 60+ bald biker aka Project Leader said "I can't wait for her to graduate so that she can come work here."

Mike, the cool guy with Hebrew tattoo on his arm aka the senior copywritter, joins in "We're doing all this so we can lure you back next time."

I wanted to shout "OH MY GOSH, PRAISE THE LORD. AM I REALLY THAT GOOD. STOP I DON'T DESERVE THIS. STHAP. IS IT BECAUSE OF MY ATTITUDE COS I KNOW MY SKILLS SUCKS. IF IT IS MY ATTITUDE THANK YOU LORD, MY WORK HERE IS DONE. NOW TAKE ME HOME."

But all jokes aside, yes I am truly touched they took out their time to sing a song and gather in the room for my sake. I am starting to hate the idea of leaving them.

But what I want to say the most is really, all glory goes to God.

During lunch with the colleagues today, Leng asked if I would stay if the boss asked me to. When I said the boss already did.. the whole table went 'Wah.' They then went on to talk about my portfolio. Lim noted that in this line, employers don't even look at cert (thank you very much, Uncle Lim) but KK said "It must be the attitude."

Wow.

It felt like God just poke a hole of 'DO YOU SEE NOW?' in my brain.

It explains so many things. Why I am still not sacked, why my colleagues are all so nice to me, why they want to protect me in some situations..

Honestly this is why I am writing this post.

Jotting everything down that reflects God's work and glory in my life.

I've faced many trials and challenges during this internship.

Just this morning, I broke down. In my heart, I was willing God to take me away, I've had enough.

But now I finally see it. My sovereign God is doing His work in me. I may not be smart enough to see it (I never pay much attention on my own actions).

Thinking back, I recall a few times when I feel troubled by work, this small comforting thought will come, saying "Keep on going, don't give up. It's not done yet."

Attitude. That's the key.

I'm feel so humbled and proud at the same time.

"Barukh atah Adonai Eloheinu, melekh ha'olam..."

Remember. (Read again on 3rd Aug 2022)

Dear 31 year old Tammie:

Hello.
I've been meaning to write to you for a long time, I just never got around to it.
I want this to be a time capsule letter from past me to future me. Tonight marks the final moments of me being 21 years old, in a few more minutes, I will turn 22. How time flies.

Some might think it's silly to write to your future, because the future you will definitely be more experienced and wiser. But the main reason for me to do this is so that I can read this again on my 31st birthday and be reminded of the innocence and young persistence I am holding on to now.
I familiar of how time can dull even the hottest passion and rob away innocent thinking. I don't want that to happen to you. I want you to remember. Remember how you are when you are 21, when the world seem so big and the future so bright. Remember and learn to be a young soul, don't let the world make you hard.

Here are 2 main things I wanna remind you most today.

First, Tammie, never ever settle for second best and never jump into anything before the right time.
I know a time will come when you see friends around you starting a family. And by this age, if you haven't found him yet it will seem like a heavy burden to carry. But know that you are not carrying this burden alone. If you look to your left and right and see that it's empty, remember to look inside and know that you are fully occupied, look up to know that you are truly loved.
If your ministry is still something Father wants you to focus on now, please, don't mess up His timing just so you can feel better about yourself. Remember Matthew 6:33, love.

Now, if you are already attached or married. How is life? Remember how you used to wonder who that future husband is when you're a teenager? How is he like when he talks? How does he look like when he sleep? What about him makes you love him so?
I guess there will be fights and disagreements, but when that happens, go back to the first moments of falling in love.
Remember why you choose him. Remember how Father led you and him to be together.
I'm sure this love story is beautifully written, so don't give up when things seem hard.
Keep on going because you can be sure the one who created both of you is looking out for you guys.
Whenever you feel dry out or find it hard to love again, remember to draw love out of your account of ultimate love bank, from Father.

My prayer for you is that you will be preserved in righteousness at all times.

Secondly and lastly: Let go. Let God.
You, when you are me now (21 years old), experienced this just yesterday. And I believe this is the most powerful thing to help you breakthrough your bondage of holding on to resentments in relationships.
You got hurt yesterday.
You heard Father gently say "Let this negative feeling go. Don't hold on to this. Let me heal you"
But remember what you said?
You said "NO. I WANT TO BE MAD. LET ME BE ANGRY. I WON'T LET GO."

Oh stubborn little girl. How silly of you :'\

Right after saying that, you went on to worship Him, because everyone else was doing it.
When you enter into worship session, ALL of the evil thoughts were gone.
Just like that. Father made you see, even when you didn't want to.
You saw how insignificant that small hurt was. You saw how small the problem is. You saw how childish it was when you want to hold on to feelings that is capable of destroying a big beautiful relationship, just because of a small thing.

How beautiful was that. All your poisonous anger was just absorbed by Father. It was taken away even when you are unwilling to let go. Praise Him!

I guess that is all for now.

Tammie, don't stop doing Father's work. He will always be there for you. You are not your own, you are never alone. Always remember that.

with much love,
21 year old Tammie