Because I'll Make Sure That You Do

Dear you,

Look at you, sleeping soundly as a 9 month old would. Chubby feet, round cheeks. Just 20 minutes ago you were crying for milk. Your eyes poured out tears that stream down your red face, your mouth opened wide as if the air can feed you.. and now with your eyes closed, you're as peaceful as a living statue. Your tiny tummy rises and fall periodically... If you have not watched a baby sleep, you must. It is the most relaxing thing in the world.

Should I tell you that 22 years from now, you would be crying too?

You would be in tears not because you do not have any milk to fill your stomach; but because you fear the prospect that if you don't manage your life now, you will have to face the question of how to fill your stomach in the future.

You will feel frustrated for not being able to control your own future.
You will feel angry for all those years of silence and misunderstandings you had with them.
And finally you will feel liberated for letting it all out.

You will talk to them face to face. You will choke on a few words, because you can't bare to utter them out.

You know that if you say those words out, you are admitting that they have been right.

So when words fail you, you let silent tears do your talking.

They will see your wet face; as embarrassing as it is for an adult to break down in front of their parents, you wouldn't even care. Deep inside you will feel so happy. You can finally be this bare and innocent in front of them again, as a child is supposed to.

You see, that's what I love about you, Tam. I love your take on life; how everything should be so simple.

How a small loving gesture can give you a warm fuzzy feeling for the rest of the day but also how a hurtful thought can leave you wounded on the same day. You are this simple. You are childlike. You smile when you're happy, you cry when you're sad. You don't bother putting up an act.
Most of the time it's probably because you can't act. You tried, but you failed terribly.

But isn't that beautiful in it's own way?

You get to be who you are.

On that night you talk to them, you will learn that they do love you with all their hearts, even though they do not show it. I did not leave you alone. I left you under their care.
They will pray for you. And with every word he speaks, your heart will let out a cry of relief, because he speaks exactly what is written on your heart. You will let out a sigh that says 'They finally understood.'
You will feel that a heavy burden has been lifted.

On that night you talk to them, you will be aware that you are going through a transition of life. Some people find it easier, some people find it harder. It is not a shame to find the transition a hard time, as it is nothing to show off if you find the transition an easy phase. People take it in differently as how they have been created.

Your transition in life is like that of a newborn fawn learning to stand on its own feet.

Just like the newborn fawn, you will struggle. You wouldn't know where to put your weight at first. You wouldn't know which foot to lift up in the beginning. You wouldn't have any idea how much your body weighs.

But slowly, the fawn lifts up the right feet. It places it's tender hooves firmly on the green grass. The fawn steadies itself as it pushes it's weight on the front two feet to slowly lift it's body up. It will wobble, but it will not fall.

You are doing the same.

Like a proud father cheering you on, I will always be there for you if you need to talk. And while it does pain me to see you sob. It gives me greater joy to watch you go through everything you have been through.

Because I know you can do it.

Because I'll make sure that you do.

So, you're sad?

They say you can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness.

I never knew I was addicted to sadness until recently.
Let me get this straight: I don't find joy when I am sad, I don't even look forward to being sad.

What I am addicted to, is having negative thoughts, which will naturally leads me to be sad.

Truth be told, I am not proud of this. Who likes a girl who thinks negatively?
These thoughts crawls out after the sun sets. When you're alone in your room. When you're all by yourself waiting for the LRT with strangers walking past. Even when you're with the people you love, who has no idea of the torment going on in your head. And these thoughts, they just grow bigger and bigger as the night goes on. Negative thoughts feed on self-pity, it gloats on hopelessness and it nurses depression to life. You think that anyone who is a victim of the legendary 'werewolf' is a curse, I'll tell you that is a way more realistic curse.

But you know what's the worst part? The worst part is that if no one comes along and wakes you up, you will be stuck in this loop of negativity for a long long time. It's a vicious cycle. It doesn't stop. You see, you start off with a small uncomfortable thought. This small uncomfortable thought will accumulate. It will snowball to become an endless possibility of negative thoughts.

"I'm just preparing myself for the worst, these thoughts are okay you know, they prepare me." You would tell yourself. But darling, listen to yourself. How does this prepare you? Except to make you so emotionally, mentally, physically exhausted that you can't even put up a good fight if ever your negative assumptions come true.

The best you could do say these negative assumptions ever come true, is to cry your heart out and between every sob laments "I knew this would happen."
That's the best you could do.

I am so bless Father loves me. To send my best friend to tell me I am thinking too negatively. I'm glad she told me. I'm glad I realise before it's too late.

So yeah, I'm going to stop this now.

But just when I thought I am starting to overcome it, I am tested again. Wow.
It wasn't easy, let me tell you. I felt my heart drop to my stomach.
I wanted to shout how this is not right.
I wanted to tell them what I want.
But most of all, I wanted to think of all the sad possibilities. I just want to be sad to the point of crying.

Then I remember what I told myself earlier the day.
No more negative thoughts.
I won't feed them. I won't let them lead me too far.
I'm telling those thoughts "This is how far you go, no more."

An Adventure

A pair of tiny feet sprang across the clouds. Jumping, leaping, prancing. You can see swifts of vapours trials around the air those tiny feet have danced across.

A little girl dressed in snowy white oversized shirt giggles joyfully as she kept twirling in circles. Bright eyes. Glistening dark hair; she's a happy little soul.

Suddenly, she turned around and to a figure standing a few yards away, she gleefully shouted, "Hurry up!"

The Father was standing and watching after her. He waved back at the little soul. He heard her cheeky call, but He wouldn't run after her.

Little soul ran past the gazing deers in the meadows. She jumped over the cool steaming waters and fed some of the most brightly coloured parrots you've ever seen, with her hands.

After awhile, she grew sleepy. She had played the whole day.

The sky was her home. It had turned bright orange, with streams of red, purple and blue. Oh! It was simply the most beautiful sight one could ever behold. It was breathtaking. Everything around little soul was beautifully created.

She plopped down on the soft green grass next to some gazelles feeding, but before her head could touch the tender greens, she felt a pair of big warm strong hands wrapped around her.

With tired eyes, she looked up and saw it was her Father. He smiled lovingly at her. Little soul managed something between a smile and a yawn. He laughed a hearty laugh.

"Tired now, are you?" He said in a more knowing tone than an asking tone.

"Yes" she yawns again "Where will we go next? You promised me we'll go on an adventure!"

"And so I did," He nods "but are you ready, little one?"

"Oh yes I am! You bet I am! Where are we going??" She was so excited she almost jumped out of His embrace at the thought of an adventure

"Be still my child..." He chuckled as He patted her back and adjusted her back into His arms "Not yet, first let me tell you something..."

"What is it?" She pipped, her big round eyes looking earnestly at Him.

"This adventure you will embark on, is something completely new to you. You will forget everything you experienced here... but most of all.." the Father's eyes almost whelmed up with what looks like tears "You will forget who I am..."

"Oh no!" cried the little one and she burst into tears "but I don't wanna forget you!"

"Hush now.." He said as steady hands were used to wiped away two fat drops of tears rolling down her eyes "You will forget Me. But don't be afraid. Do not fear because I will find you."

There was a moment of silence and then "Do you promise?" the little one lifted up her smallest finger, pouted her red lips said "Promise me you will find me. I don't want to be all alone in a new place."

He placed her on His lap, so now she's eye level with Him. With His last finger He reached out to her smallest finger, sealed it with a pinky promised and said "Yes, I promise you, I will surely find you. And when I do, You will remember me.""

That cheered up the little soul very much. "That's good because I want to remember you. You are my Daddy, after all."

"But there's one more thing. In this new adventure you have, you won't be able to see me or touch me anymore. But always remember this, I will always be with you, no matter how you feel. Even when you wake up one day and feel exhausted, or you find yourself struggling, other days you might feel like you're drowning or you suddenly find yourself feeling so alone, you HAVE to remember that I am still with you."

"But then how can I still talk to you? I don't like the sound of this adventure..." she looked down said in a tiny voice

He gently lifted her head up and explained "You can still hear my voice. And I will still speak to you. I can speak to you through My Word and through other big brothers and sisters that have went before you on this adventure. They won't leave you alone, because they already know me in that world, and I have instructed them to look after you." He gazed into her eyes and continued "But remember this, when you are a big sister one day, remember to look after your younger brothers and sisters that comes after you on this adventure. Okay?"

"That's an awful lot of things to remember... but okay." Little soul mumbled

Suddenly she speaks again "Daddy, do I need to go on this adventure? Can't I just stay here and enjoy eternity with you?"

"Yes, you do. You will know one day, little soul" He looked out in the horizon of the pastel clouds.

For a split second the little one thought He was avoiding her eyes.

But then she quickly changed her mind when the Father suddenly turned back and pierced her soul with the most tender-filled eyes, He continued "One day you'll know why I created you, you'll know why I sent you on this adventure, one day, but not today."

"Alright then. I suppose that's all you need to know." He got up, held little soul with both hands "Shall we go?"

Little soul bit her lip. Slowly she asked "I'll be able to help other little brothers and sisters, wouldn't I? So they won't be lost and forget you too."

He didn't say anything in return. He just nodded and smile. 'She understands now,' He thought to himself. 'She's ready to go.'

He sang her a soothing lullaby as she drifted away in perfect slumber.

When she wakes up, she'll find herself in a different world. With a different name and a different identity.

And thus, the little soul's adventure will begin.

Reminder for you

Have you ever catch yourself giving yourself self-pity?

Have you ever felt that the situation you are in now is the worst thing ever? Have you felt that it's impossible to get out of what you are in now? Have you ever kept repeating certain negative questions and statements in your mind that you feel like exploding? Have you ever felt the need to find something to do, anything at all, to keep your mind off that problem in your head?

You start to find distractions. You start to find new replacements for whatever that is you want to replace in your heart.

Because the old can't satisfy you anymore. Or maybe because you're frustrated by the old.

It doesn't matter.

Whenever I catch myself in situations like this, I love to remind myself certain things:

Look, the wind. It still glides care-freely around you.
It's still the same flutter of air that cools the sweat on the back of your neck while you're standing on the green school field on that hot sunny Sports Day, 6 years ago.
It's the same breeze that made your skirt puff up like a little Chinese lantern on that outing you went with your friends.
It's the same gust that made your hair all messy when you stick your head out during a refreshing car ride in the mountains with your brother.

Look at the the sky above you.
It's still the same blue hues in the sky you see when you were a little girl of 5.
And the comforting sight of fluffy white clouds still hovers above you.

You can always count on the sun to appear. It still shines brightly, ever so proudly.
You don't need to ask the moon to come out every night. It does so on its own, romancing the night.
You shan't ask the billions of stars to accompany the moon either, they gladly graced the night sky, producing their own unique and tiny shines of their own.

Since the creation of the world, the sun, moon, stars- and from the biggest most powerful blue whale in the depths of the Pacific ocean to the chirping of a feeble old cricket outside in your garden- all these creation have seen more suffering in humans then we have seen for ourselves.

If the sun could speak, it would have millions of stories to tell. Imagine the things it has seen under it's 'govern'.
It the moon and stars could converse, they would tell of how they watched over the night. It would have stories of horror yet still have hope and peace for each of us.


Throughout history, these creations have witness the big things like the American Civil War, which costs lives of a million people yet set countless souls free from oppression and slavery.

These creations have also quietly witness tiny miracles that are happening each day. The birth of a fawn by a doe. The way two young strangers met and fall in love. The way a bubbly cute baby girl turns into a beautiful elegant young lady. Or even the mysteries of how a cancer patient was completely and naturally cured.

But ultimately, I bet the elements in the sky are bursting to tell the story of how a baby boy was born on Bethlehem one night, and how the heavens opened up to shot for joy. How choirs of angles graced the sky that day and how melodic they sang.

You know, when I think of what the sun, the moon and stars have seen...

When I remind myself that these creations remain the same from the first day of creation until now, never changing because of the situation I am in, I am reminded that my God is the same yesterday, today and forever. I am reminded that my problem or whatever it is that is 'bothering' me in my heart & mind, is nothing.

It is nothing.

And if I continue to let my tiny problems bother me, well, that just isn't very smart, is it?

So if you ever catch yourself shamelessly feeling pity for yourself, remember this:

The sun will continue to shine. The rain will continue to water the earth. The night will continue to give rest and comfort to people.

If life could go on, so could I.

I'm glad I can see all these.

Thank God for creating all these wonderful creations around me :)

No, that's not pretty

I've decided to chop off my previously long hair after toying with the idea for sometime.

I love observing the response I got. Noticed that while most people smiled and commented on the sudden shorten hair, a guy came up to me and asked "Why did you cut off your hair?" as if he were offended I cut my hair.

I love my long hair. I do. It's soft and fun to play with. It makes me feel girly. It gives me confidence.

But over the years, I felt that I let my hair define me. No, I should say I let my hair define my sense of beauty too much. I don't have to courage to cut off my hair before this because I don't want to look 'unattractive'. I don't want to feel the regret of cutting my hair short. I felt that my facial features weren't attractive enough to wear short hair.

But the moment I look in the mirror after getting the hair cut, I couldn't believe what I saw.

I saw a girl who is loved. I saw a radiant girl whose eyes shines out because her long locks wasn't taking away the attention. I saw a child of God, His princess to be exact. You would think it's crazy to see all that. But I can honestly tell you, I did. I saw that because for a split second, I understand that the hands that created the stars and sun created me, crafted my face, designed my body and at that moment I know I am not ugly nor will I ever be.

Isn't it funny how 'beauty' is defined by others?

Today a guy hinted to me that short hair wasn't attractive. But boy, was he wrong.

My shepherd used to say "Insecure people create insecure relationships."
She has seen the world more so when we talked about the topic on insecurities, it made me realize I had issues on insecurities too.

I always thought the main reason I wanted to cut my hair is because I wanted a change of style.

But behind my head, I know there's something more. If you know me, you'd know that I have struggled with issues of low self-esteem as a young teen, and behind my mind, the ideal beauty is a girl with porcelain skin and long hair. It never really left me. Perhaps this is a step of breakthrough on physical appearance.

I guess in the future I will have regrets whenever I see girls with longer nicer hair.

But whenever I do, I will come back to this post and read this, simply because I don't believe beauty needs to fulfill a list of requirements.

NOTE: I'm not saying every girl should have their hair cut short and if they don't, they are vain and obsess with their looks. NO. This is my personal struggle. This is just my story.

The sad thing

The sad thing is, sometimes it's not how much joy you feel but it's how much pain you feel, that makes you realize how much you like someone.

I know that a healthy relationship with anyone, be it friend, family or significant other should not have any negative feelings. Perhaps this is the consequence to pay for awakening things before its' right time, if it is, I am suffering.

I would love to point fingers right now. I would love to trace back to how the plot twists to become what it has become right now. But again, I am reminded that what has happened has happened. So what if I could put the blame on others? Does that mean I am not to be blamed as well? If I can be as bold to blame others, I must be bold to blame myself too. I truly do not understand why things happen the way they did. Why we cross paths with certain people in our lives..

Perhaps I'm starting to understand you more and perhaps I'm sadden at what I've learnt. What happened to all the cautions and precautions? But who am I to say I'm disappointed in you? I'm sure I have given you my fair share of disappointments. You have your questions too, I trust.

I re-read Blue Like Jazz by Don Miller yesterday, and there's this line that says "There are things you cannot understand  and you must learn to live with this. Not only must you learn to live with this, you must learn to enjoy this."

It's not easy learning to enjoy things that doesn't please what you see daily. But I want to learn. I want to learn so badly. Because if I can learn to master this with God's help, I can master almost anything else in life.

The sad thing is I've replaced God in my heart with things that are tangible in my life. But the wonderful thing is, it's God we're talking about... the everlasting God. The God that is good. Despite my surroundings, my situations, my feelings, my thoughts, my desires, He is still the graceful God who overlooked my shortcomings and chose to love me with His life.

"Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me"

Comfort Zone

Do you know that 'good' Christians have comfort zone for sinning?
It's okay for us to tell small white lies, be jealous, be envious, be angry, be lazy, be too engross with something apart from Christ.. but when it comes to things we don't usually 'sin' everyday, it's stepping out of the comfort zone of sin, and it's unacceptable.

Today, I cross my sinning comfort zone.
How did I know?

Because I look back at what I did, and an immense feeling of guilt overcomes me.
And voices rage within me. Voices of justification. Defending and shouting for my innocence.
The more it defends, the more I feel better at myself, but the more heavy my heart feels from trying to feel better.

Because when I look back at what I did, I felt that what I did isn't me.
Looks of disgust and disbelieve from love ones act like waves of electric that shocked me back to reality.
I would never do that. How could a good Christian like me do something like that? What have I done?

I should have known. The devil knows my weaknesses. He'll use that against me and the sad thing is, I willingly let him win.

The first thing I see when I got online was this:

If there's anything I learn today is that I learn to appreciate grace even more. Yes, sure, when I was in my comfort zone of sin, grace meant something, just not everything.
I sing about it. I read about it. I think it's the most beautiful thing ever created by God.
But I don't appreciate it in it's truest value. I don't constantly think everything I am worth now is because of grace. The immensity of it.

It's because I fell differently today from the usual days that I realize how unworthy I am and appreciate how worthy is the One who died for me.

Today, I find that I don't even have the self-worth left in me to defend myself to anyone in real life after what happened.
Today, I learn that this is how I should be reminded every time I become too big or full of myself.
Today I learn a lot. Today I am humbled by leaps and bounds.

When Jesus says "Blessed are the poor in Spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven."
I never really understood it's meaning. Reading the explanation in my study Bible, I found out that the 'poor in Spirit' meant those who do not think highly of themselves, spiritually, thus they hunger for more and more of God.
The dangers of being a 'normal' Christian too long is that you start to be 'rich' in Spirit. There's so much shame to admit this, but it's true: you start take pride in all the 'good' things you have done because of what you are taught in Church and your leaders. You think you deserve some sort of secret recognition (between you and God) for the times you didn't swear, didn't cheat, didn't lie and the list goes on.
If you haven't felt any of those, I applaud you. I sincerely do, because I have not been like you. Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus.

I want to strip off this sick mindset of being 'rich' in the Spirit. I am not nor will I never be. If I am ever rich, it is only through Christ that I am.

Lastly, today I learn that I shall never be disgusted at what other people has wronged. A saying that goes "Don't judge others just because they sinned differently then you" came to me as I reflect on my day.

This simply brings out a whole new meaning of not judging others. Even when I hear of crimes that sicken me, stories that sadden me, I want to learn not pass judgment. After all, the smallest lie in my comfort zone is still an unsightly black spot in His blameless eyes.

The only one worthy to judge is the One seated on the throne of glory above.

Not me.