His feelings.

He knows I haven't spent much time with Him lately. He knows I haven't been trusting Him as much lately.
He knows..

... and it makes me unhappy because, deep down, I know it too. But you know how we always find ways comfort ourselves?
I wouldn't have thought it was anything terribly bad or wrong..
I told myself, I'm just drifting.. it's just a phase.. I'll get back on track.. no worries.. I've been there before.. I can live through this.. I don't mind..

It's funny how I never consider His feelings. It never struck me, until today, how much He minded. My King doesn't like the lesser and lesser time I made for Him. My Father doesn't like that I don't trust Him as much.
Selfish little brat.

When the words 'how can I keep from singing Your praise?' flashes across my eyes today, instinctively, I felt the need to cry.
Although at that moment, I do not know why.
I only know that deep down, I have been avoiding Him.
But why does those words, which have nothing to do with running away from Him, touch me?

It hit me. Because I have not been praising Him with a sincere heart lately.
I've been complaining, moody, unhappy, throwing tantrums at Him.

Then another line appears 'I know I'm loved by the King, and it makes my heart wants to sing'
That.
That, really broke me.
Why? Because I finally get what He's trying to tell me.
He's reminding me, He loves me. He's the King of the universe, for all the magnificent things He created, He choose to love me.
Even when I don't love Him back. Even when I throw accusations at Him, even when I am discontented with the life He puts me in, even through all that, He still loves me.
King of the universe, loves me. And it won't change. It will never change.

That made tears pour out. That made me sob. That broke me down.

I am overwhelmed by His gracious love. I cannot understand, how much love He has in store for me. Or how much He will continue to give.
When I look at myself, all I see is my flaws. All I see is how much I don't add up. How much I lack.

That's why I sobbed. It's the 21 years of gratitude and gratefulness whelmed up in response to His love. It's stupid I know, but it's what I could manage at that time.

I may never truly understand You, I'm ok with that now, I just need to know You have feelings too...

and You feel that You love me.

The Struggle

I'm a curious person.

Ever since young, my favourite question is 'why?'
Maybe because things around me always seem so strange as I was growing up.
As a kid, I never thought I'd understand politics, or how bank accounts work, or understand how my then collage aunt does her assignments.
They all seem so bizarre and weird to me. All I know is, at that time, I don't understand those grown up stuff and I didn't think I ever will.

Now that I am grown up, things that were once strange to me, I seem to understand better.

But life's an ever learning journey, huh?

Now I'm learning to understand God.
I really can't say I know Him. Because I don't.
I don't know why He does the things He do. I don't know why certain things are happening in my life.
I don't know.

For a brief moment just now.. I thought, I'm so tired of this. Tried of guessing why this prayer is not answered, why this prayer is. Seems inconsistent. Why?
Trying to understand my Lord, it is exhausting.
I'd rather be an angel, I thought, take me up to be one. Someone He created solely to serve and attend to Him in Heaven, who knows most of His plans, who knows how Heaven is like, who have seen His face, who doesn't have to suffer from this mystery of not knowing why certain things are happening on earth.
I just want to know why, Papa. Is it so hard? :'(

But right after that thought, a statement and a question came up.
Statement: You are His precious daughter. A title. Because He is the King of the Universe, you are the daughter of the King of the Universe.
Question: Are you sure you are willing to give up this position? This precious title, just to be an angel?
Angels do not have the same position as you. You have higher authority then angels in Heaven, as we're co-heirs in Christ.

And deep down, I know my answer is 'No'.
I will never give up this gift and position that Christ has given me. That God has so meticulously planned for me to become, a human being. Flawed but loved.
I know He's planned out every single detail in my life. Nothing is a coincidence. I am greatly love.
I will hold this title tightly, closely.
With this realisation, I felt privileged, with a tinge of hope and happiness..

...enough to go on.