His feelings.

He knows I haven't spent much time with Him lately. He knows I haven't been trusting Him as much lately.
He knows..

... and it makes me unhappy because, deep down, I know it too. But you know how we always find ways comfort ourselves?
I wouldn't have thought it was anything terribly bad or wrong..
I told myself, I'm just drifting.. it's just a phase.. I'll get back on track.. no worries.. I've been there before.. I can live through this.. I don't mind..

It's funny how I never consider His feelings. It never struck me, until today, how much He minded. My King doesn't like the lesser and lesser time I made for Him. My Father doesn't like that I don't trust Him as much.
Selfish little brat.

When the words 'how can I keep from singing Your praise?' flashes across my eyes today, instinctively, I felt the need to cry.
Although at that moment, I do not know why.
I only know that deep down, I have been avoiding Him.
But why does those words, which have nothing to do with running away from Him, touch me?

It hit me. Because I have not been praising Him with a sincere heart lately.
I've been complaining, moody, unhappy, throwing tantrums at Him.

Then another line appears 'I know I'm loved by the King, and it makes my heart wants to sing'
That.
That, really broke me.
Why? Because I finally get what He's trying to tell me.
He's reminding me, He loves me. He's the King of the universe, for all the magnificent things He created, He choose to love me.
Even when I don't love Him back. Even when I throw accusations at Him, even when I am discontented with the life He puts me in, even through all that, He still loves me.
King of the universe, loves me. And it won't change. It will never change.

That made tears pour out. That made me sob. That broke me down.

I am overwhelmed by His gracious love. I cannot understand, how much love He has in store for me. Or how much He will continue to give.
When I look at myself, all I see is my flaws. All I see is how much I don't add up. How much I lack.

That's why I sobbed. It's the 21 years of gratitude and gratefulness whelmed up in response to His love. It's stupid I know, but it's what I could manage at that time.

I may never truly understand You, I'm ok with that now, I just need to know You have feelings too...

and You feel that You love me.