The Struggle

I'm a curious person.

Ever since young, my favourite question is 'why?'
Maybe because things around me always seem so strange as I was growing up.
As a kid, I never thought I'd understand politics, or how bank accounts work, or understand how my then collage aunt does her assignments.
They all seem so bizarre and weird to me. All I know is, at that time, I don't understand those grown up stuff and I didn't think I ever will.

Now that I am grown up, things that were once strange to me, I seem to understand better.

But life's an ever learning journey, huh?

Now I'm learning to understand God.
I really can't say I know Him. Because I don't.
I don't know why He does the things He do. I don't know why certain things are happening in my life.
I don't know.

For a brief moment just now.. I thought, I'm so tired of this. Tried of guessing why this prayer is not answered, why this prayer is. Seems inconsistent. Why?
Trying to understand my Lord, it is exhausting.
I'd rather be an angel, I thought, take me up to be one. Someone He created solely to serve and attend to Him in Heaven, who knows most of His plans, who knows how Heaven is like, who have seen His face, who doesn't have to suffer from this mystery of not knowing why certain things are happening on earth.
I just want to know why, Papa. Is it so hard? :'(

But right after that thought, a statement and a question came up.
Statement: You are His precious daughter. A title. Because He is the King of the Universe, you are the daughter of the King of the Universe.
Question: Are you sure you are willing to give up this position? This precious title, just to be an angel?
Angels do not have the same position as you. You have higher authority then angels in Heaven, as we're co-heirs in Christ.

And deep down, I know my answer is 'No'.
I will never give up this gift and position that Christ has given me. That God has so meticulously planned for me to become, a human being. Flawed but loved.
I know He's planned out every single detail in my life. Nothing is a coincidence. I am greatly love.
I will hold this title tightly, closely.
With this realisation, I felt privileged, with a tinge of hope and happiness..

...enough to go on.