Future

"Everyone of us have our own expectations on ourselves. We're hardest on ourselves."

I cried so many times today. No matter how hard I try, it won't stay dry.

First time was the breakdown.
I tried my best, you know. I did. All these while, I put on a smile, an OK for everyone. Even when I knew I couldn't go on anymore, I forced myself to go on.
In the end? It caused me to breakdown, crying and saying I can't do it anymore.
It's just. so. hard.

I don't know how other people does it. Those people who wake up everyday to do the things they dislike but end up doing them perfectly.

Second time was the encouragement,
When a visitor come to encourage me. Although she just used normal words, it pierced through me. It made me cry, again.
She said something that touched me so much. She said she wanted me to know she loves me. Ah, tears.
No, I don't crave for her love. I just felt so touch that despite all the uneasiness and tension on the surface that I am facing, there is still love. Warm fuzzy lovely love.
And I know that she's not just saying it. She meant it. Her presence being in front of me proved that.
I can see the tiredness in her eyes, the worry in her heart, yet she chose to take time out to talk to me.

Last time is now.
I kept thinking, Lord, why are You so good? I feel so suffocated, so many things on my plate.
You know my struggles, why do they always seem to come all at once? Is it because I am weak that I fall so easily?
Despite all that questions, You took time to talk to me through others. You manage to remind me that I am weak, that's why I need You.

I've been so frustrated recently. Frustrated with myself mentally, physically and emotionally.
But I know I'm most frustrated spiritually. My Lord doesn't seem to be responding to me and in return I don't bother to look for Him.
It's just a touch-and-go daily with Him.

Never do that. When you deprive yourself from your Maker, you're only going to make yourself suffer in a long run. It's never going to satisfy you.

I've learnt now, Father, You are so perfect. Your timing is impeccable. You know how I'll end up, where I'll go. How I'll look like, sound like, be perceive as..
I still don't know my future, but You've seen it. You'll still love, care, cherish and never forsake future me.

I shall feel safe knowing this.