It's okay for us to tell small white lies, be jealous, be envious, be angry, be lazy, be too engross with something apart from Christ.. but when it comes to things we don't usually 'sin' everyday, it's stepping out of the comfort zone of sin, and it's unacceptable.
Today, I cross my sinning comfort zone.
How did I know?
Because I look back at what I did, and an immense feeling of guilt overcomes me.
And voices rage within me. Voices of justification. Defending and shouting for my innocence.
The more it defends, the more I feel better at myself, but the more heavy my heart feels from trying to feel better.
Because when I look back at what I did, I felt that what I did isn't me.
Looks of disgust and disbelieve from love ones act like waves of electric that shocked me back to reality.
I would never do that. How could a good Christian like me do something like that? What have I done?
I should have known. The devil knows my weaknesses. He'll use that against me and the sad thing is, I willingly let him win.
The first thing I see when I got online was this:
If there's anything I learn today is that I learn to appreciate grace even more. Yes, sure, when I was in my comfort zone of sin, grace meant something, just not everything.
I sing about it. I read about it. I think it's the most beautiful thing ever created by God.
But I don't appreciate it in it's truest value. I don't constantly think everything I am worth now is because of grace. The immensity of it.
It's because I fell differently today from the usual days that I realize how unworthy I am and appreciate how worthy is the One who died for me.
Today, I find that I don't even have the self-worth left in me to defend myself to anyone in real life after what happened.
Today, I learn that this is how I should be reminded every time I become too big or full of myself.
Today I learn a lot. Today I am humbled by leaps and bounds.
When Jesus says "Blessed are the poor in Spirit for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven."
I never really understood it's meaning. Reading the explanation in my study Bible, I found out that the 'poor in Spirit' meant those who do not think highly of themselves, spiritually, thus they hunger for more and more of God.
The dangers of being a 'normal' Christian too long is that you start to be 'rich' in Spirit. There's so much shame to admit this, but it's true: you start take pride in all the 'good' things you have done because of what you are taught in Church and your leaders. You think you deserve some sort of secret recognition (between you and God) for the times you didn't swear, didn't cheat, didn't lie and the list goes on.
If you haven't felt any of those, I applaud you. I sincerely do, because I have not been like you. Keep your eyes fixed on Jesus.
I want to strip off this sick mindset of being 'rich' in the Spirit. I am not nor will I never be. If I am ever rich, it is only through Christ that I am.
Lastly, today I learn that I shall never be disgusted at what other people has wronged. A saying that goes "Don't judge others just because they sinned differently then you" came to me as I reflect on my day.
This simply brings out a whole new meaning of not judging others. Even when I hear of crimes that sicken me, stories that sadden me, I want to learn not pass judgment. After all, the smallest lie in my comfort zone is still an unsightly black spot in His blameless eyes.
The only one worthy to judge is the One seated on the throne of glory above.
Not me.
No comments:
Post a Comment