Facing the laptop. With earphones on, listening to Jayesslee's Dare You To Move.
Everything I see in this room has a warm orangey tone to it.
Midnight air is the coolest. It drifts into my room through the glass plated windows. I can pick up light coated floral sent in the air. It makes me feel fresh.
Just a few hours ago I was miserable. I was complaining. I wept. I was asking God why. I was bitter about losing my phone and being careless. I see imperfection when I look in the mirror. I had throbbing headache. Notice how many times I used 'I' in this paragraph. Ultimately I felt like He's ignoring me.
Deciding He would not talk to me today, I went down to brush my teeth. After that, while walking up the stairs, I notice the pain was gone. I was humbled. It just made me shut up about all the ramblings I was going on the past hours.
Reading Matthew later on, a line stuck out like a sore thumb to me.
"He saved others," they said, "but he can't save himself! He's the King of Israel!
Let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him.
- Matthew 27:42
They don't believe Him because He didn't float down from the cross for them to see or prove that He's innocent. They didn't know that He is saving them by not coming down.I am no different from them.
I've often faced situations where I doubt if He really loves me as much as He claims He does, simply because my prayers and questions aren't answered.
I realise that God doesn't work the way we want Him to work. We want everything now. Instant.
When will I learn that His love is valid even when I am hurting?
In this dim orange light, and cooling fresh midnight air, I can tell you, He loves me no matter what. Even though I might not feel it at times, even though I might doubt this love. His love is real, whether I believe in it or not.
He doesn't need to preform miracles in my life to prove He loves me.
But He would all the same.
there's a saying that says.. "Some things need to be believed before they are seen" . I find this very true with God. Only those who have faith in him can believe and see that He's there throughout.. no matter what.. But when faith falters, we tend to not see his presence.
ReplyDeleteAbove all else, our Father loves us way too much. Glad u could remind urself that. :) It's during tribulations like these that causes faith to falter.. but u stood strong in it. So proud of you woohman!!! <3
woohoo! thankiu woman! <3
ReplyDelete"I am who I AM"...
ReplyDeleteOur God is great because He doesn't need us to define Him. He defines Himself. By not coming down from the cross, it's a proof and a testament that this God loves us and He will know what we NEED best and not providing and pampering us with what we WANT.
;) great reminder to self and others, sistah!
Encouraged by your comment 'saiah! ;)
ReplyDelete