That kid

The first thing I keep repeating after seeing you was that you grew so tall. So tall.

In my mind's eyes you were a kid. The you I remembered years ago, that you was around my height, messy hair, sleepy eyes, laid-back attitude and those thick eye brows.

The first thing you did when you saw me after all these years was give me a huge hug. I was astonish at how tall and thin you've become. My arms felt like they were hugging a towering pillar. The same tired eyes under the same thick eyebrows greeted me again.

Hello, Joel. It's been awhile.

5 years, I suppose?

I dare to say that during those 5 years, life hasn't been all that nice to you. You smile, you laugh, you look okay, but I see fatigue laced in your smile. Despite that, I'm happy to see you taking initiative and becoming a grown up. Of course you'll grow up, nothing surprising about that, but you must understand, my memories of you were grainy and vague.

All my memory always told me that you're this kid I met at a camp who was the only good friend I had during that entire camp and that I should always cherish this kid.

My memory plays back to me, you and 2 other people sitting around a park table, under a tree, talking about things like Switchfoot and school.
The night was dark, except for the twinkling shimmer of the stars above. Cool breeze fans us. We can hear voices of other campers talking in their own groups far away. But we were in our own world, talking and laughing to ourselves. The only certain thing I remember of that night was how I enjoyed it.

It never really registered in my mind that we're only 2 years apart. I always thought our age gap was more then 2 years. Perhaps it's because you like to tease me 'Granny', or perhaps it's the way I look at the manner you think, or maybe it's the way I always feel proud or protective over you, those things makes me feel years older then I actually am compare to you.

Regardless, I have somehow taken the position of being this kid's grandma 'guardian' in a manner of speaking.

You know the feeling of having no credit in your phone and someone calls you 3 times but you never hear it? And you can't get back to them because you have no credit to call back. So when that person calls you again for the 4th time, you instantly answer the call at the first vibration or ring.

That's the same feeling.

I had never met up with this kid for 5 years. Not a glimpse of him in real life for 5 years, only texts, messages and those rare phone calls. And the next time I see him, he's sitting next to me on a staircase. Pinch me. It hadn't been easy to meet up. We always plan, but never made it, sometimes it's me, sometimes it's him. I want to hold on and appreciate that moment, because I don't know when next time will be again, or if there ever will be a next time.
While sitting on the staircase catching up yesterday, I wanted to rest my head on his shoulders. No, not as a romantic gesture, but as an act of acknowledgement and appreciation. It's like saying 'Phew, finally after all these planning, one of them worked out.'

Perhaps because he's a guy, so people will easily misunderstand. Even sometimes I too, wonder. But I only wonder because I know deep down, genuinely love him, think of him, as someone I grew up with, nothing more or less.

Life will throw us around but we'll see when we'll meet again. 'til next time, eh?

Be good now, Joel. Don't be rash.

I am proud of you.

Even if the world tells you, they are not. Even if you tell yourself, you are not.

I always will.

Remember that.