Look at you, sleeping soundly as a 9 month old would. Chubby feet, round cheeks. Just 20 minutes ago you were crying for milk. Your eyes poured out tears that stream down your red face, your mouth opened wide as if the air can feed you.. and now with your eyes closed, you're as peaceful as a living statue. Your tiny tummy rises and fall periodically... If you have not watched a baby sleep, you must. It is the most relaxing thing in the world.
Should I tell you that 22 years from now, you would be crying too?
You would be in tears not because you do not have any milk to fill your stomach; but because you fear the prospect that if you don't manage your life now, you will have to face the question of how to fill your stomach in the future.
You will feel frustrated for not being able to control your own future.
You will feel angry for all those years of silence and misunderstandings you had with them.
And finally you will feel liberated for letting it all out.
You will talk to them face to face. You will choke on a few words, because you can't bare to utter them out.
You know that if you say those words out, you are admitting that they have been right.
So when words fail you, you let silent tears do your talking.
They will see your wet face; as embarrassing as it is for an adult to break down in front of their parents, you wouldn't even care. Deep inside you will feel so happy. You can finally be this bare and innocent in front of them again, as a child is supposed to.
You see, that's what I love about you, Tam. I love your take on life; how everything should be so simple.
How a small loving gesture can give you a warm fuzzy feeling for the rest of the day but also how a hurtful thought can leave you wounded on the same day. You are this simple. You are childlike. You smile when you're happy, you cry when you're sad. You don't bother putting up an act.
Most of the time it's probably because you can't act. You tried, but you failed terribly.
But isn't that beautiful in it's own way?
You get to be who you are.
On that night you talk to them, you will learn that they do love you with all their hearts, even though they do not show it. I did not leave you alone. I left you under their care.
They will pray for you. And with every word he speaks, your heart will let out a cry of relief, because he speaks exactly what is written on your heart. You will let out a sigh that says 'They finally understood.'
You will feel that a heavy burden has been lifted.
On that night you talk to them, you will be aware that you are going through a transition of life. Some people find it easier, some people find it harder. It is not a shame to find the transition a hard time, as it is nothing to show off if you find the transition an easy phase. People take it in differently as how they have been created.
Your transition in life is like that of a newborn fawn learning to stand on its own feet.
Just like the newborn fawn, you will struggle. You wouldn't know where to put your weight at first. You wouldn't know which foot to lift up in the beginning. You wouldn't have any idea how much your body weighs.
But slowly, the fawn lifts up the right feet. It places it's tender hooves firmly on the green grass. The fawn steadies itself as it pushes it's weight on the front two feet to slowly lift it's body up. It will wobble, but it will not fall.
You are doing the same.
Like a proud father cheering you on, I will always be there for you if you need to talk. And while it does pain me to see you sob. It gives me greater joy to watch you go through everything you have been through.
Because I know you can do it.
Because I'll make sure that you do.
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