His feelings.

He knows I haven't spent much time with Him lately. He knows I haven't been trusting Him as much lately.
He knows..

... and it makes me unhappy because, deep down, I know it too. But you know how we always find ways comfort ourselves?
I wouldn't have thought it was anything terribly bad or wrong..
I told myself, I'm just drifting.. it's just a phase.. I'll get back on track.. no worries.. I've been there before.. I can live through this.. I don't mind..

It's funny how I never consider His feelings. It never struck me, until today, how much He minded. My King doesn't like the lesser and lesser time I made for Him. My Father doesn't like that I don't trust Him as much.
Selfish little brat.

When the words 'how can I keep from singing Your praise?' flashes across my eyes today, instinctively, I felt the need to cry.
Although at that moment, I do not know why.
I only know that deep down, I have been avoiding Him.
But why does those words, which have nothing to do with running away from Him, touch me?

It hit me. Because I have not been praising Him with a sincere heart lately.
I've been complaining, moody, unhappy, throwing tantrums at Him.

Then another line appears 'I know I'm loved by the King, and it makes my heart wants to sing'
That.
That, really broke me.
Why? Because I finally get what He's trying to tell me.
He's reminding me, He loves me. He's the King of the universe, for all the magnificent things He created, He choose to love me.
Even when I don't love Him back. Even when I throw accusations at Him, even when I am discontented with the life He puts me in, even through all that, He still loves me.
King of the universe, loves me. And it won't change. It will never change.

That made tears pour out. That made me sob. That broke me down.

I am overwhelmed by His gracious love. I cannot understand, how much love He has in store for me. Or how much He will continue to give.
When I look at myself, all I see is my flaws. All I see is how much I don't add up. How much I lack.

That's why I sobbed. It's the 21 years of gratitude and gratefulness whelmed up in response to His love. It's stupid I know, but it's what I could manage at that time.

I may never truly understand You, I'm ok with that now, I just need to know You have feelings too...

and You feel that You love me.

The Struggle

I'm a curious person.

Ever since young, my favourite question is 'why?'
Maybe because things around me always seem so strange as I was growing up.
As a kid, I never thought I'd understand politics, or how bank accounts work, or understand how my then collage aunt does her assignments.
They all seem so bizarre and weird to me. All I know is, at that time, I don't understand those grown up stuff and I didn't think I ever will.

Now that I am grown up, things that were once strange to me, I seem to understand better.

But life's an ever learning journey, huh?

Now I'm learning to understand God.
I really can't say I know Him. Because I don't.
I don't know why He does the things He do. I don't know why certain things are happening in my life.
I don't know.

For a brief moment just now.. I thought, I'm so tired of this. Tried of guessing why this prayer is not answered, why this prayer is. Seems inconsistent. Why?
Trying to understand my Lord, it is exhausting.
I'd rather be an angel, I thought, take me up to be one. Someone He created solely to serve and attend to Him in Heaven, who knows most of His plans, who knows how Heaven is like, who have seen His face, who doesn't have to suffer from this mystery of not knowing why certain things are happening on earth.
I just want to know why, Papa. Is it so hard? :'(

But right after that thought, a statement and a question came up.
Statement: You are His precious daughter. A title. Because He is the King of the Universe, you are the daughter of the King of the Universe.
Question: Are you sure you are willing to give up this position? This precious title, just to be an angel?
Angels do not have the same position as you. You have higher authority then angels in Heaven, as we're co-heirs in Christ.

And deep down, I know my answer is 'No'.
I will never give up this gift and position that Christ has given me. That God has so meticulously planned for me to become, a human being. Flawed but loved.
I know He's planned out every single detail in my life. Nothing is a coincidence. I am greatly love.
I will hold this title tightly, closely.
With this realisation, I felt privileged, with a tinge of hope and happiness..

...enough to go on.

Raindrops and errands

I knew it was going to rain heavily the moment I step out of the house.

I see big fat drops of rain committing suicide on the front porch's cement floor. Darker spots of water splatter appear as if magically.

I knew I had to go to Jaya One despite the weather, so ignoring the sign, I headed out with a small umbrella. hehe.

Crossing the road, walking down the flat escalator, taking note of how hard rain is falling now, wondering how on earth am I going to get back, printed notes, bought a cake, looking out of the tall glass windows and wondering if I should stay inside Cold Storage a little while until the rain softens, then deciding that I wouldn't because I'm such a bad a**, I can walk through any kind of rain. Hailstorm? Bring it.

It's interesting to note how fast that boastful thought fade by the time I reached the opposite of Old Town.

I was standing inside Jaya One (under the roof = safe zone), but facing the great outdoors.
The rain was intense. As in, I can literately see a white filament of water splatters everywhere outside the safe zone.

I dunno what exactly got into me, maybe it's a sign that I'm getting old, but I decided the stop walking, and just stand there, leaning on the wall.
I place the small umbrella on the floor beside me.
With my pink plastic file clench closely to my chest, I just felt at ease.

Isn't it ironic? Usually on any calm bright sunny day, this kind of place is the least likely place for me to feel at ease. I would be rushing back home, mind focusing on nothing but assignments.
But today, with the loud pouring rain outside the safe zone, I felt totally normal just leaning by the wall at a public area.

Two businessman walked pass me. One of them walking ahead of the other. I notice the second man had splashes of raindrops on his formal shirt. Coming back from lunch? I concluded quickly as they breeze by. They didn't seem to notice me. I smiled.

Funny how people seem too busy to notice things around them.

Rain doesn't seem to want to slow down. It splashes violently on the ground. Puddles and streams appear.

I wonder what made me feel so comfortable. And then I remembered the lyrics to a song:

"When the oceans rise and thunders roar,

I will soar with you above the storm,

Father you are King above the flood,

I will be still and know You are God."

Yeah, I may be taking the lyrics too literately, but isn't it true? The last line.

As I stare out at the crazy downpour, as I notice how each drops of rain creates a unique pattern of splatter on the ground, as I view the big picture and observe how every drop of rain is creating a different sound/visual/smell, I am overwhelm by the knowledge of the One who made rain.

I guess after living in a big city, with a schedule-packed life, it is so hard to find time to really be still. Literately be still and know how small we are.

And know that He is God.

Complaints and midnight thoughts

Here am I, covered in the dim orange light of my table lamp.

Facing the laptop. With earphones on, listening to Jayesslee's Dare You To Move.

Everything I see in this room has a warm orangey tone to it.

Midnight air is the coolest. It drifts into my room through the glass plated windows. I can pick up light coated floral sent in the air. It makes me feel fresh.

Just a few hours ago I was miserable. I was complaining. I wept. I was asking God why. I was bitter about losing my phone and being careless. I see imperfection when I look in the mirror. I had throbbing headache. Notice how many times I used 'I' in this paragraph. Ultimately I felt like He's ignoring me.

Deciding He would not talk to me today, I went down to brush my teeth. After that, while walking up the stairs, I notice the pain was gone. I was humbled. It just made me shut up about all the ramblings I was going on the past hours.

Reading Matthew later on, a line stuck out like a sore thumb to me.

"He saved others," they said, "but he can't save himself! He's the King of Israel!

Let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him.

- Matthew 27:42

They don't believe Him because He didn't float down from the cross for them to see or prove that He's innocent. They didn't know that He is saving them by not coming down.
I am no different from them. 

I've often faced situations where I doubt if He really loves me as much as He claims He does, simply because my prayers and questions aren't answered.

I realise that God doesn't work the way we want Him to work. We want everything now. Instant.

When will I learn that His love is valid even when I am hurting?


In this dim orange light, and cooling fresh midnight air, I can tell you, He loves me no matter what. Even though I might not feel it at times, even though I might doubt this love. His love is real, whether I believe in it or not.

He doesn't need to preform miracles in my life to prove He loves me.

But He would all the same.

The Mind as The Battlefield

I seldom do this, but last night was one of the few times in my life that I wish I understand myself better.

I was very confused because I felt very certain that I have overcome this challenge, with His help.
But when it attacked me again yesterday, I fell.
I don't understand why I could've fall, and so I became bitter, at me and at everyone.

I was angry at myself for falling into the trap. I was also a bit angry a Him for not leading me to avoid the trap.

But get this, whenever we face challenges, we're always blinded. We're always short-sighted.
I cannot see His provision for me at that time. I was too busy questioning God and myself and fighting the jealous feeling by my own strength. So why am I still surprised and disappointed at myself that I lost the battle? It's not by my own strength that I can win spiritual battles.

Today I felt a reminder to listen to Pastor Prince's sermon. I've always hear what a great preacher he is and how lots of people listens to his audio. I've never listen to his sermons before but I told myself I will one day. I kept forgetting until today.
So I went to his youtube channel. Scroll down and this video title caught my eye "The Battle for Your Mind". I knew at once that I can relate.

Listening to the video, my questions asked yesterday were answered. I asked Him "Why is this happening to me again? I thought You helped me overcome it already?"
I am comforted, when listening to the video, to know that I face this challenge because I am in His army.
I am born again. And the devil is like this angry hunter. He's going around trying to shoot down God's army. He manage to shoot me and injured me, but I'm not dead. Satan sees that my old wounds are not fully healed yet, so he decides the use it for his advantages and open it back up.

I'm telling you as someone who experienced all these that the battle of the mind is very real and it can happen to anyone. Unfortunately, this means anyone who owns a mind is potential to be a victim. Good news is that if Satan can be in your mind, so can Christ. Draw strength from Him.

He won't let you fight this alone.

An ancient love story (Part 2)

Isaac

Today I woke up feeling like my heart has been trampled over by 10 donkeys, then ripped apart by a baboon.
Must have been a nightmare last night. Can't really remember the details, but I remember mother's face graced my dream and she told me she would be leaving. I begged her to stay, but before I knew it, she'd vaporised.

Dreams like these would visit me almost every night.
Sometimes I would find myself grabbing mother's hand as she's about to fall off a cliff. Sometimes I would watch helplessly as a gang of dark clothed men take her away from me and father.
No matter how varied my dreams are, they always end up with the separation of mother from me.

I hate feeling so powerless about what happened to mother. She was the only closest woman in my life.
I was her only son. She had high hopes for me. But I couldn't protect her... not even from death.

Rebekah

The journey was long and tiring, but I was not the least bit exhausted. I was too worked up inside, anticipating what was about to come.

During the travel, I learnt that the name of servant of Abraham is Elizer. He is the head servant in the house of Abraham.

Elizer told me stories of Isaac. What I enjoyed most are stories of Isaac's childhood.
From Elizer's stories, I could almost imagine a young Isaac playing, talking and doing things young children would do. Elizer, being a faithful servant of Abraham, never revealed too much, but just enough to keep me motivated.

I tried asking Elizer to describe how Isaac looks like, but he never gave anything away.
He just wink and said "You'll find out soon enough."
I could feel my cheeks turn the colour of crimson, and I asked no more.

Isaac

I went out to the field, to calm my heart.

I wanted to remember mother for who she was, and out in the open field is where I get to feel that.
Mother was a woman of great beauty. Her beauty had once attract kings and rulers of other lands.
She carried herself with poise, just like how this tree carries it's branches filled with lush green leaves.
Her voice was soft and soothing, like the sound of rippling grass as they brush against each other in the wind.
I like the way the slow breeze would wrap around me, reminding me of mother's embrace.

All of a sudden, I hear sounds of camels from a distance.

I look up to see Elizer, father's head servant, and with him was a few maidens. They were still some distance away, I couldn't really see the maidens.. but I remembered that father had sent Elizer a few days ago to go look for a bride for me..

How cold I forget that? I was too busy drowning in my own misery to remember that I still have a life to live.

Rebekah

Elizer suddenly lifts his hands up and points to the land before us. He then announces that we're reaching.

My palms started getting cold. This is it. My new home. My new life.
My servants girls came to me. They reminded me that they're with me and that I'm not alone. I grip their hands tightly.

Our camels pass by a large land. It looks like a field.

I look out into the field, and there, I saw him.

Isaac

I quickly stood up. Dusted myself.

Could it be?

Could he have found someone to be my bride?

Heart racing, I went to greet them.

As I walk through the open space, my mind wonders how she looks like. I tried to get a glimpse of her from where I am. But the distance is too great. I can only see their outline.

Rebekah

But could it be Isaac? I only see a man. He's getting up. He's walking towards us.

If he is Isaac, surely Elizer will say something about it?

I look to Elizer and he's as calm as ever. Not intending to talk.

Dear Lord, the suspense is killing me. Please let me know who is he, so that I won't drown in mindless wondering.

I hurriedly got down my camel.

"Who is that man walking in the field to meet us?" I blurted out.

Elizer, as if he's been waiting for me to ask, has his answer ready
"It is my master" he answered calmly.

For a moment I almost believe that man was Abraham. But this man is certainly too young to be my granduncle.

I can see his sandy coloured hair become yellow in the sunlight. I can see the way his broad shoulders move back and forth as he walks nearer. I can see that he walks with a certain young energy and vibe.

There is only another master Elizer serves apart from Abraham. Isaac.

My heart skips a beat. 

I quickly took my veil and cover it over my head. 

Isaac

As I got nearer, I see one of the maidens got down from the camel. She also put up her veil.

She must be the one. My future bride. The rest must be her servant girls.
With that realisation, a wave of happiness comes over me.

Without thinking, my steps got bigger and I'm breaking into a jog.
I want to see her face.

My future bride, look at me.

Rebekah

I looked up. He's getting nearer. I can see his face now. I can see his eyes.
Deep set of eyes covered by thick dark eyebrows.
A dimple can be seen when he smiles.

The look in his eyes sends chills down my spine.
That determined, protective look, it's as if he knows already who am I, and that I am his.

Despite the strong emotions on his face, I can see the soft curves of happiness hanging from the side of his mouth.

Then it hit me, Isaac is happy to see me.
He's glad I am here and he's here to welcome me.
With that knowledge in mind, my tummy sets of an army of butterflies.

Isaac

There she is, standing now in front of me.

Her head is covered by the veil. She is modest and calm.

Her eyes are mysterious and carry a hint of green. Long, thick lashes decorate them.
Her lips are soft and full. Her cheeks shows a faint tint of pink.
She smells of light perfumed peach and rose.

Her face is the most beautiful I have ever seen.
But it is not because of her looks that I am captivated... it is because her beauty reminds me of something. Her elegance triggers back something in my mind.

Rebekah, as I was told was her name by Elizer, her beauty reminds me of only one other beautiful woman in my life- my mother.

With that, I knew God had sent me a cure for my nightmares.
He might have taken away my mother, but God is good and He never fails, He has now provide a wife to comfort me.

I will love her with all my heart.

An ancient love story (Part 1)

Rebekah

It was around evening, after the mid-day heat. I came out of my house with an empty jar on my shoulders, with the rest of the women in my clan, ready to draw water from the town's well like we always do.

Today seems different. I can feel it in my bones, I'm just not sure what is going to happened, but I'm very sure something is going to happen today.

As I got closer to the well, I noticed a man. I've never seen him around before, he must be foreign...

No matter, I need to do draw some water before the sun goes down.
I was surprised when the man approached me once I reached the well. He came up and requested for a drink of water from my jar.
As I look into his eyes, I see sincerity and weariness, like a man who has been entrusted with a huge responsibility.
His faces shows tiredness, as if he'd travelled a long way.

How could I reject this man? I lowered my jar to pour out the water I drew, for him.

As he drank, I glanced around to see 10 camels with him.
Instinctively, I suggested to draw water for his camels as well. After all, it's the only thing I could do for the foreigner.

This man immediately stopped drinking and looked at me like I was his saviour. All the weariness drain out of him at once. I have a sense that I have showed him kindness in ways he needed the most.
After I filled water for his camels, he took out some jewellery. Gold nose ring and bangles, and gave them to me. Of course I couldn't accept them, but he strongly insisted.
The man asked me whose my father. I answered him. He asked if there are rooms in my house for him and his camels to stay for the night. I welcomed him to stay in our house, I asked him to wait.

I ran home and told everyone what happened.

My father Bethuel and brother Laban welcomed the man into our home. They made him comfortable and invited him for dinner.

But this man, he said he would not eat until he has told us his story.

I was at the other room. Me, my mama, my sisters and aunts. They were all over me, demanding the details of my side of the story. I told them all I knew.
Mama was most excited, for after she sees the golden bangles and nose ring, she knew this man is from a rich family background.

I was very still and heard everything the man told my father and brother from the other room.

I learnt that he was the servant of a wealthy man named Abraham from Canaan. He came to our land to look for a bride for his master's son.

Wait, Abraham. Grandpa Nahor had a brother name Abraham. Abraham is also father's uncle. Yes, Abraham is my granduncle. 

Goosebumps crept upon me as the man tells of how he prayed to the Lord for a maiden who would let him drink from her jar and provide water for his camels.
Exactly what I did...except...I knew nothing of his prayer. But I acted out exactly to what this man prayed for. No wonder he gave me the look when I suggested drawing water for his camels.
I am in awe of how the Lord works.

The man has now finished his story. Voices from the other room dropped. I suppose he is giving father and brother time to think of his request. Then, I heard the my father's voice. He told the servant of Abraham, since it is the Lord's will for me to marry Abraham's son, he would not stand in the way.

Oh my poor father. He loves me and I can hear it from his tone that it is with a heavy heart he agrees. But still, he will obey God.

Everyone got ready to send me off in marriage. Father prepared animals and gifts for my future father-in-law. Mama pulls me aside and gave me an emotional talk on how she and father loves me, and her hopes of me being a good wife, daughter-in-law and future mother. She reminds me to love my God, my future family and always be kind and humble. Tears were exchanged. In the end, she wipe my face, gave me a kiss on my forehead. And there, she sealed her love for me. For she knows, she will never see her daughter again after tomorrow.

I was excited. I was nervous. I was sad. I was happy. Like many woman of my time, I have never seen the face of my future husband.
I lay awake that night, thinking of how he look like. How he sound like. How he carried himself.
I couldn't contain myself, I couldn't sleep.
Mama and sisters came in, knowing I would be restless, they held my hand, stroke my hair and sang me to sleep.
This is when I know I am ready to get married. For my family loves me so much and I wanted start one of my own to pass this love on.

Isaac

Mother had passed on.

Whenever I pass by her clothes, I can still pick up her scent.

Father is old and he has lost the spark in his eyes. The love of his life had went ahead of him. But he is still sane, thank God.

After father buried mother, life has been different.

I feel much more alone. I know I still have father, but it's just different. I miss mother dearly.

Some days I wake up feeling okay. Like life could go on.

Other days I wake up with a mourning heart.

Rebekah

The next day, the servant of Abraham was ready to set off, brining me along. But ma and Laban asked him to let my stay 10 more days. But he gently refuse; his master was waiting. He asked what I think, if I was ready. I told him I was. I put all my trust into this stranger.

With that we set off to Canaan.

...to be continued..

because this is getting too long and there's still more.